The Ron Natinsky Brand

Dear Dallas City Council member Ron Natinsky,

Good day to you, proud public servant. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and brand merchandiser.

Congratulations on your reasourceful efforts of image management, good sir. I must admit, before the news broke of your penchant to purchase chintzy plastic promotional baubles on the taxpayer’s dime, I had no idea who you were. Granted, had I received one of said trinkets, I would have at least been familiar with your name, as you had it printed on these items alongside the city of Dallas logo and website address. That’s what the boys down on Madison Avenue call name recognition branding. And it’s what certain investigators might define as discretionary mismanagement of public funds. I call it utter genius!

Some may see the recent press as bad publicity, but try to think of it another way. Now that it has been revealed that you used thousands and thousands of taxpayer dollars to purchase your party favor-styled self-promotion, even more people are familiar with the name “Ron Natinsky.” As in, “Ron Natinsky appropriated money that did not belong to him to further his career and public image.”

Well, why stop now? You need to keep this publicity train a-rollin’ and on track. To that end, I am proud to make you aware of the following. I operate dozens of Indonesian sweatshops that are just bursting at the brim with all sorts of disposable gewgaws, ready to be repainted, retrofitted and printed with your name and office phone number. Here’s just a taste:

• Ron Natinsky's dual-prong “Mighty Anaconda” dildos
• Ron Natinsky's pearl beaded silicone cock rings
• Ron Natinsky's battery-operated clit flickers
• Ron Natinsky's reusable leather erection straps
• Ron Natinsky's weighted, rhinestone-encrusted nipple clamps
• Ron Natinsky's micro-vibe suctioned love pumps
• Ron Natinsky’s Lil’ Rude Boy
• Ron Natinsky's plus-size anal intruder (with Velcro safety sheathing)
• Ron Natinsky's dolphin butterfly rectal spyglass
• Ron Natinsky's peanut jelly beads
• Ron Natinsky's never-ending orgasm orbs
• Ron Natinsky's inflatable Malaysian houseboy
• Ron Natinsky's slim jim passion plug
• Ron Natinsky's vac-u-lock harness penetration enhancer with testicular aggression refinement

I assume you will have no qualms associating your good name with these types of items, as you seem to silently advocate fucking taxpayers in the poop chute.

Yours,

Alibaster K. Abthernabther

The AKA Endorsement

My fellow Americans,

The United States is in crisis. The economy is melting down. Our military is at war on two fronts. Americans approach this election in understandable fear and anger, especially at the incumbent Republican president who, however unjustly, bears the brunt of the blame for the crisis.

But in this time of great anxiety, the American people need a leader of experience guiding the ship of state. Detective John McClane offers the muscle, bravado and wisecracking one-liners that Americans demand, as well as an innovative ability to use found materials and his immediate environment to fashion deadly weapons and improvise maneuvers of defense and escape.

McClane is a fighter, an agent of change, and a one-man killing machine. Whether he's confronting national economic crises, immigration reform, corporate corruption, or a group of terrorists holding hostage the attendees of an office Christmas party at Nakatomi Plaza, Detective John McClane gets the job done with expertise, efficiency, and a maximum amount of collateral damage.

It is for these reasons that I fully support and endorse Detective John McClane for President.

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

Due to recent economic developments, Alibaster K. Abthernabther is meeting with his financial advisors in an undisclosed fallout bunker deep within a tropical island volcano.  

He will resume posting web logs on Tuesday, October 21st.

Project Runwaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

Dear Kenley Collins,

Good day to you, young fashion designer. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and hater of you.

Well. Well, well, well. You did it. You are going to fashion week. I suppose kudos are in order. Well, you shall receive no such kudos from me.

Yes, you are a mildly talented designer. Yes, you are rather attractive and fully deserving of prolonged intimate contact with my beautiful engorged penis. But this is not enough to make up for your piercing whine, your ever-rolling eyeballs and your unjustified feelings of social persecution. It's enough to make you appear downright un-fuckable.

I know some of this is beyond your control, perhaps it's a byproduct of being raised by tugboats. But frankly, your repugnant demeanor and jawless, mush-mouthed complaining makes my penis sad and angry. Egad, it's enough to make me want to stop fantasizing about nailing you sideways against the Bluefly dot com accessory wall.

Going forward, let's work on remedying this issue before next week's season finale. Either work on adopting an attitude as totally fuckready as your immediate outright appearance or somehow disfigure yourself, perhaps by dunking your head into a cauldron of hot fabric glue.

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

Go Puck Yourself

Dear Wolfgang Puck,

Greetings, master food preparer. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and marketing strategist for high-end celebuchef chain restaurants.

I am ever so excited to hear that you will be opening a new Asian-themed culinary establishment atop our very own Reunion Tower. I absolutely can't wait to be seen there. You'll find that I am a frequent face at all of the area's finest eateries. You might see me out and about, nibbling on sushi canoes at Smush, spooning up frozen cucumber sorbet at the Black Forest Ham Room, or mechanically vomiting in the V.I.P. restroom at Cafe Sashay.

As excited as I was when I heard you were opening your new restaurant here, I was anywhere from four to six times more excited to learn of the contest being held to name said establishment. I am infamously innovative with such name games, so allow me to prattle a few ideas off the top of my pretty little head...

• Chow House
• Stuff It In Your Eat Hole
• The Gobbler’s Den
• Flavor Town
• Booger Butterfield’s Wondertime Fun-For-All
• Fetal Eczema
• You Will Punch Your Pregnant Wife In The Stomach, This Shit Tastes So Good
• Hairspray: The Restaurant
• Nostril's Bistro
• The Filthy Sizzling Skillet
• Angela's Ashes
• Taste Buds Be Fuckin'
• Eat It, Like It, Expense It

Bon Appetit!

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

Logicproof

Dear Kirk Cameron,

Salutations, ageless heartthrob. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and author of erotic Biblical fan-fiction.

Congratulations on your most recent success. Your latest motion picture film, Fireproof, debuted as the #3 motion picture film in the nation. Not since Mel Gibson’s The Passionate Sexy Christ has religious propaganda performed so well at the box office. Let’s see Boner Stabone top that!

This also bodes well for the upcoming presidential election, if only to remind us of the organizational abilities of the unstoppable American Christian Right. It’s really quite startling. Usually, when a group of religious zealots are that well organized it results in mass genocide, the heavy-handed occupation of a desert-strewn nation, or tasty chicken biscuit sandwiches.

As the film’s star, I am sure you are quite familiar with the plot of the movie. But I love it so much that I must revisit it. The story revolves around a firefighter character (played by you, Kirk Cameron) that is in the midst of some marital difficulties. The firefighter’s wife needs love and attention, but the firefighter is too busy spending his off-hours in front of his Internet web computer, alternately gambling and masturbating.

My favorite scene in the film is when the firefighter destroys his personal computer, taking out his rage and frustration against the lusty trappings of modern technology with a baseball bat. It is as dramatic as it is effective. Though, an equally effective and less costly method would be to simply cache the browsing history.

Not to spoil any of the movie’s intricate plot twists, but I think it goes without saying that the true hero of the story is not your firefighter character, but the Bible. Or Jesus. Is it Jesus’ teachings as told in the Bible or the Bible’s interpretation of the teachings of Jesus? Nevertheless, the Jesus Bible reveals a valuable lesson. Why love and tend to your spouse just because you’re supposed to, just because you vowed to, just because you should? You should do these things, not out of honor or respect or love for another human being, but because an invisible omniscient being supposedly decreed it. But only for individuals with opposable, interlocking genitalia, not for fags or lezbos.

That’s why I love this film. It teaches us that no matter who we are - heterosexual firefighters, heterosexual nurses, heterosexual parents of heterosexual firefighters – the answers to our interpersonal problems do not reside in our mind, but in an ancient tome purported to be the unquestionable “Word of God,” though it was in fact written and compiled thousands and thousands of years ago by various disjointed committees and injected with bias, before being heavily edited and forced down the throats of the uneducated by theologically vested governments.

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther