tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70532496866410440022024-02-19T01:32:23.024-06:00From the desk of Alibaster K. AbthernabtherAlibaster Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00463644106878690426noreply@blogger.comBlogger75125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-37155763595750721122009-04-01T12:55:00.002-05:002009-07-31T13:01:23.708-05:00If Only Boyz 2 Men Had Written a Song About How Difficult it is to Say Goodbye to the Past<span style="font-size:180%;"><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://frontburner.dmagazine.com/2009/04/01/alibaster-k-abthernabther-unmasked-meet-geoff-johnston/">The jig is up!</a></span>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-68957044179102281162009-02-27T12:48:00.008-06:002009-02-27T14:35:13.732-06:00Not a Good DayDear <a href="http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/about_us/Tim_Ryan">Tim Ryan</a>,<br /><br />Good day to you, early morning news broadcaster. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, bestselling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and "news junkie." Also, I am quite severely addicted to illegal narcotics.<br /><br />It is a sad, sad, moment indeed, not unlike slavery, forced child labor, the Holocaust, and the final episode of <span style="font-style: italic;">After M*A*S*H</span> all rolled into one. Today is a day that will live in sorrow-soaked infamy, as the <a href="http://www.blogger.com/It%20is%20a%20sad,%20sad,%20moment%20indeed.%20%20Not%20unlike%20slavery,%20forced%20child%20labor,%20the%20Holocaust,%20Hiroshima%20and%20the%20last%20episode%20of%20Will%20&%20Grace%20all%20rolled%20into%20one.">FOX <span style="font-style: italic;">Good Day</span> family wishes a fond farewell to your co-anchor and friend, the lovely and talented Megan Henderson</a>.<br /><br />Everyone has their favorite <a href="http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/good_day/Megan_Moments_on_FOX_4s_Good_">"Megan Moments"</a> and I am no exception. Who didn't love the time she donned a string bikini, slathered herself in cocoa butter and challenged <a href="http://cbs11tv.com/bios/Kristine.Kahanek.KTVT.9.479200.html">CBS-11's Kristine Kahanek</a> to a wrestling match in a kiddie pool full of tapioca pudding?<br /><br />Who couldn't help but smile as they watched Megan and <a href="http://www.nbcdfw.com/station/newsteam/Susy_Solis.html">NBC-5 reporter Susy Solis</a> doing body shots off of each other until they both collapsed to the floor of a Dave & Buster's game room in a sexy, sweaty heap?<br /><br />And how about the time she engaged in a giggly, playful water balloon fight with <a href="http://www.wfaa.com/aconomos/">WFFA's Alexa Conomos</a>, then called <a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.wfaa.com/garycogill/">Gary Gogill</a> a "walking queef machine" and kicked him square in his dick?<br /><br />Sure, none of these things ever actually occurred in real life and are only erotic fantasies of my own concoction. Nonetheless, they are vivid memories that I will hold near and dear to both my heart and my penis for years to come.<br /><br />Fabricated or factual, all we have now are these memories, as <a href="http://unclebarky.com/dfw_files/c48711c707f3ecda6d9d37b16e2fa6b8-980.html">Miss Megan is off to La-La Land</a>, where she will deliver morning reports on the latest diarrheal diet fads and luxury house pet accessories to the fine, orange-tinged populace of Los Angeles.<br /><br />Now we must move on without her. Having heard tell that <a href="http://unclebarky.com/dfw_files/2e73ac27102bce280b8f1dd3aff3240b-987.html">FOX-5 will not immediately replace Megan</a>, instead supplying you with a rotating cast of co-anchors, I wish to offer my services to you in that regard. Sure, I don't look as hot in a hobble skirt as your old partner. But my inability to harvest boners over the North Texas airwaves is dwarfed by my journalistic professionalism and mastery of pretending that an overtly biased delivery of the news is, in fact, objective reporting.<br /><br />Nowadays, isn't that what television journalism is really all about? Please allow me to leave you with a little taste of the goods...<br /><br /><blockquote>Chef Jake shows us how to make dolphin eyeball soup. We'll review the latest frighteningly realistic talking dog movie. How to set a Democrat on fire without leaving any trace evidence. And take our brand new "Are You Fucking Retarded?" quiz. All this and more, tomorrow on <span style="font-style: italic;">Good Day</span>! </blockquote><br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. AbthernabtherAlibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-56769343791013000442009-01-30T00:20:00.003-06:002009-02-26T10:40:08.074-06:00Alibaster K. Abthernabther's Search for America's Next Huge Douche Hole ToolDear <a href="http://www.purgatorydallas.com/">Club Purgatory</a>,<br /><br />Good day to you, fabulous nightclub. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, bestselling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast and executive producer of high quality, basic cable reality programming.<br /><br />I just wanted to thank you for allowing us to hold our casting auditions this weekend at your fine establishment. I believe this arrangement will be of great mutual benefit.<br /><br />Rest assured, your association with my groundbreaking new reality show "experiment" secures your spot in pop culture history for centuries to come. <span style="font-style: italic;">Alibaster K. Abthernabther's Search for America's Next Huge Douche Hole Tool</span> is destined to be the hottest show on the television dial, that is, if televisions still had dials on them.<br /><br />Deciding to launch <span style="font-style: italic;">Alibaster K. Abthernabther's Search for America's Next Huge Douche Hole Tool</span> (heretofore <span style="font-style: italic;">AKA's SFANHDHT</span>) at Club Purgatory was no easy task. There was a huge pool of viable contenders to choose from; hundreds of asininely named lounges, clubs, and bars within the greater DFW area, each brimming with male clientèle possessing absolutely radioactive levels of assfacery and dickholishness.<br /><br />How will this apply to <span style="font-style: italic;">AKA's SFANHDHT</span>, you ask?<br /><br />Shut the fuck up, I reply.<br /><br />First, these gentlemen will face a gauntlet of skanky, skanky skanks rife with venereal disease. Then they will rent out shoddy North Dallas apartments and furnish them with saggy foutons, decorative samurai swords, and ceramic coffee table pumas. They will then be supplied with a bottomless bin of shiny button-up shirts, mega-ultra extreme stiff-hold hair gel, stressed denim jeans, and brightly colored, slatted sunglasses. They will ritually bathe in Axe deodorant body spray. They will be, in a word, irresistible.<br /><br />We will chose the seven finest dick wrinkles - the creme de la shitty, the douchiest of the douchey, the kings of all cock-facedness - and cast them into a 20-foot dirt pit. Then I will personally douse them with space shuttle fuel and light them on fire.<br /><br />And they will burn to a crisp and die, their fevered screams unheard, their hollow dreams unrealized.<br /><br />Then I will pee-pee on their smoldering ashes.<br /><br />Frankly, the only budget we could secure for this show covered two episode's worth of expenses. So, we figure we do the inital introductory round-up and pick the top, I don't know, 20 or 25 guys in the first episode. Then for the second episode we light them on fire and videotape them burning to their deaths. And I pee on them. It's a budgetary concern more than anything else.<br /><br />If we secure a decent ratings share with this go-around, we can expect to have the second season of <span style="font-style: italic;">AKA's SFANHDHT </span><span>airing within about 6 weeks</span><span style="font-style: italic;">. </span><span> And, with your blessing, I hope to hold the 2nd annual auditions in Club Purgatory, in recognition of the club's undying dedication to the subhuman chauvinistic desires of the average, everyday douche-whistle. </span><br /><br />Kudos to you, douchey nightclub!<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. AbthernabtherAlibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-90969114743703195232009-01-28T19:07:00.003-06:002009-01-28T19:22:59.856-06:00However, it Would be a Wonderful Name for a Wesley Snipes Film.<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 9"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 9"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:/Users/GJ/AppData/Local/Temp/msoclip1/01/clip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:donotoptimizeforbrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Dear Casey E. Thomas II,</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Good day to you, president of the <a href="http://www.naacpdallas.org/Index.htm">Dallas National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, Branch # 6169</a>.<span style=""> </span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and concerned Caucasian.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">It gives me no pleasure to bring to your attention a vile new addition to the meteorological lexicon.<span style=""> </span>They call it “<a href="http://weatherblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2009/01/black-ice-on-surface-roads-in-dallas-cou.html">Black Ice</a>.”<span style=""> </span>And this morning it had the entire city in its frosty clutches.<span style=""> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">That is, black ice’s frosty clutches had the entire city by the balls.<span style=""> </span>So, you can only imagine how cold those balls were.<span style=""> </span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->They were really cold, frosty balls.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Nevertheless!<span style=""> </span>“Black ice” is, in fact, transparent – not black.<span style=""> </span>But who would be afraid of driving on “clear ice” or “invisible ice” or “transparent ice?”<span style=""> </span>No one, that’s who.<span style=""> </span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->White America needed a term that would keep drivers on their toes, in fear of a shadowy menace that is out to steal their cars.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">But “black ice” isn’t out on a carjacking spree so he can get accepted into a street gang and listen to the new Heavy D & the Boyz compact disk.<span style=""> </span>This “black ice” causes nasty traffic accidents.<span style=""> </span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->Well, then why didn’t they just call it “Old Korean Lady Ice?”</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I don’t know, sir.<span style=""> </span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->I do not know why they didn’t just call it “Old Korean Lady Ice.”</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So we shamefully add the phrase “black ice” to a constantly growing heap of ignorant faux-Euro-intellectual garbage verbiage, such as “blackball” and “blacklist,” as otherwise innocent, average words are made evermore sinister when prefaced with the word “black.”<span style=""> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">What did the words “ice,” “ball,” and “list” ever do to deserve being saddled with such a devastating prefix?<span style=""> </span>And why did their credit scores each drop 100 points immediately after being blackened-ed? <span style=""></span><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Sorry, I forgot the rest of that bit.<span style=""> </span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->It was either Chris Rocks or Martin Lawrences or Byron Allen or Byron Nelson or one of those other Def Comedy Jam guys.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The pasty underbelly of the extreme Caucasian media underground has deftly inserted the “black ice” phrase into common conversation in a subversive psychological ploy to breed racist ignorance in our nation’s motorists and cross-town commuters.<span style=""> </span>It sickens me.<span style=""> </span>Though it brings me hope.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">This bittersweet chocolate irony occurs as our country celebrates the historic inaugural year of President Barack Obama.<span style=""> </span><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->And I am so sick, but I can only vomit hope.</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->To quote Heavy D; “Now that we’ve found love, what are we gonna do…with it?”</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Yours,</p><p class="MsoNormal">Alibaster K. Abthernabther</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-4037012709286202942009-01-20T22:53:00.005-06:002009-01-20T23:44:38.358-06:00...In A Galaxy Far Up Your AssDear Bishop T.D. Jakes,<br /><br />Good day to you, famous local holy man. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, bestselling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and Starfleet Academy graduate.<br /><br />You will need to excuse the forthcoming tirade. However, I am exasperated beyond explanation. I have heard all manner of idiotic pablum in my day. I thought that I had, as they say, heard it all. But, oh no. You set that bar to a staggering new low, Bishop Jakes. I am absolutely seething right now.<br /><br />Everyone - and I mean, everyone - knows that "May the Force be with you" is a quote from the <span style="font-style: italic;">Star Wars </span>films<span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>and not, as you stated, <a href="http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/012109dnmetjakes.3bc45d3.html">a catchphrase from<span style="font-style: italic;"> Star Trek.</span></a> So, I have a few questions for you, good sir.<br /><br />Were you the victim of a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulcan_%28Star_Trek%29#Mental_abilities">Vulcan mind meld</a> gone awry? Did you have the sense knocked out of you by a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wampa">Wampa</a>? Or are you simply out of your motherfucking mind? <br /><br />Had it not occurred to you that you may want to fact check your pre-inaugural church sermon for science fiction factual inaccuracies? Seriously. Get it fucking together.<br /><br />I'm so upset right now, I could shit <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tribble">Tribbles.</a><br /><br />This is a new day, a new age, a new chapter in American history. And you would be hard-pressed to find someone - anyone - who does not know the difference between a Jedi and a Romulan. It is so ingrained in our collective American psyche that I'm not even going to bother hyperlinking the words "Jedi" and "Romulan." Why? Because no one needs to look up either of those things! That's why.<br /><br />You make me so mad, Bishop Jakes. If you were standing in front of me right now, I'd render you unconscious with a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgMjV3Yse3U&NR=1">nerve pinch</a>. I would reach over, collect a small swath of your shoulder between my thumb and fingers, and BAM! You would be out like a light; a light that wouldn't know the difference between a Klingon Bird of Prey and an Imperial Start Destroyer if his life depended on it.<br /><br />I mean, seriously. Fuck!<br /><br />Even my great grandmother, the sainted Aloise Abthernabther, could tell you that Gene Roddenburry dreamt up the miracle of transporter technology, while George Lucas was the one who popularized the concept of spacecraft hyperspace trajection. Of course, Star Trek did explore the possibilities of subspace travel, which is similar to the theory of hyperspace, only it involves navigating through layers of spacetime using "warp speeds" of varying degrees, while the inhabitants of Lucas' Star Wars universe make lightspeed jumps within preprogrammed hyperspace routes that send them hurdling through the galaxy at a near unfathomable rate.<br /><br />But I digress. The question remains: Are you mentally deficient or just motherfucking retarded in the brains?<br /><br />Get it together, T.D. Jakes. I am so motherfucking angry at you right now.<br /><br />Motherfuckfuckfuck!!!<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. AbthernabtherAlibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-66799495328689195972009-01-15T00:29:00.003-06:002009-01-15T09:20:11.058-06:00Dog Will HuntDear <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/AviAdelman">Avi Adelman</a>,<br /><br />Good day to you, fierce neighborhood watchdog. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, bestselling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and concerned citizen.<br /><br />First, allow me to congratulate you on your <a href="http://www.barkingdogs.org/">Barking Dogs website</a>, an invaluable local resource for persnickety voyeurism and all-purpose nosiness. For years, I was forced to physically transport myself to the Lowest Greenville Avenue area in order to witness the debauched displays of human intoxication that you so dutifully catalog. Now, thanks to your sly implementation of home video recording technology and internet broadcasting, I may enjoy such ribald people watching from the comfort of my home office.<br /><br />However, I am writing not only to praise these efforts, but also to make you aware of a disturbing new scourge that demands your immediate attention. I am sure you are already quite aware of what I am referring to.<br /><br />In a word: Minotaur. Part man. Part bull. All attitude. This fantastical creature of Greek mythology has been running rampant all over Greenville Avenue, from Belmont to Ross, for the last few weeks. Once housed in the confines of King Minos' vast labyrinth, this ferocious beast has now staked his claim to one of Dallas' most historic neighborhoods and nightspots and he shows no signs of stopping.<br /><br />Trouble began during the Christmas holiday, when the Minotaur got into a lethal confrontation with several members of the East Side Chicken Chimichangas street gang in the Taco Cabana parking lot. Words were exchanged and threats were tossed about. Before law enforcement could arrive, the mighty Minotaur brutally beheaded several cholos with a single swing of his bloodstained battleaxe, and then returned to his cave in an enchanted forest where he bedded an El Centro interior design major by the name of Ch'Lise.<br /><br />Two nights later, dressed in pre-stressed denim jeans and a shiny, striped shirt with a fleur-de-lis graphic printed asymmetrically across the left shoulder, the Minotaur was spotted at the Sugar Shack downing Jägerbombs. No sooner had the lounge's P.A. speakers begin blaring a fantastic mash-up of "Do Da Stanky Legg" and "Unskinny Bop," when an SMU fraternity boy started heckling the dapper beast. Within mere seconds, the Minotaur tore off one of the fraternity fellow's arms and planted it firmly in the lad's rectal cavity. He was later seen in the alleyway next to the Billiard Bar, going down on a University of Dallas interior design major named Shon'Royale.<br /><br />These are just two incidents out of dozens that have occurred, quite frankly, on your watch. And while you were neither elected nor appointed to this watchdog status that you seem to enjoy so much, you deftly nominated yourself. And now true duty calls. No longer will you be able to simply videotape drunkards, harlots and thugs, mocking their inebriated rage from behind a video camera. Now you will have to take action.<br /><br />You must battle the Minotaur, Avi. Unsheathe your broadsword. Don your walrus tusk helmet and your trusty loincloth fashioned from unicorn pelt. Behead the Minotaur and defiantly urinate into his severed esophagus. Smite the beast with pure might and carve his gargantuan skull into a victory goblet.<br /><br />Then, and only then, will the proud people of Greenville Avenue be able to reclaim the night.<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. AbthernabtherAlibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-56173117302347004492008-12-29T13:23:00.003-06:002008-12-29T13:26:16.180-06:00Me Yell!!!<div style="margin: 1ex;"> <div> <p><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" ><i>Alibaster K. Abthernabther is enjoying a prolonged holiday on the Canary Islands. In his absence, we present a replacement column written by Kalibaster A. Kabthernabther, his intellectually challenged doppelganger from a parallel dimension.</i></span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><br /><br /></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Dear Jerry Jones,</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Hello, person. Me Kalibaster A. Kabthernabther. Me like crayons, spiders, and french fried potatoes. Me also watch and like football. Me yell at TV screen when Cowboys no win game. Me also yell when they do win. Me yell! Football!!!</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Me have questions for you, Jerry Jones. Please help and answer.</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Why do eyes and head hurts when me stare into sun for long time? Me like look directly into sun. Me no like headaches. But me still stare into sun because me like.</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Me yell at sun!</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Ice cream is taste good. Me likes ice cream so much, me put ice cream in pants and make love to ice cream because me want make ice cream babies. So far, me no able to produce babies of ice cream. But me still try. Can you help me make ice cream babies, Jerry Jones?</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Why is sky blue? Why does sky no answer when I yell at it? These are questions that make me no sleep at the nighttime. What makes you no sleep, Jerry Jones?</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >One time me eat tire. It make me very sick and I could not yell for many, many days. </span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near, Jerry Jones? Follow-up question, why do birds suddenly disappear when me put them in me mouth and eat them whole?</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Me want blueberries!!!</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Me on westbound train to Chicago leaving Boston at 2:45 p.m. traveling at 200 miles per hour. You on eastbound train to Chicago leaving Los Angeles at 7:15 a.m. traveling at 175 miles per hour. Was I adopted?</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Jerry Jones, I will fight you with a sword! Name place! Name time! You bring sword for you. Me only have one sword for me. Me yell while swinging swords!!!</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Can you feel the love tonight?</span><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Yours,</span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:180%;" >Kalibaster A. Kabthernabther</span></p> </div> </div>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-52875500806548991642008-12-01T12:46:00.009-06:002008-12-01T13:53:28.794-06:00Art From the HeartDear Art Conspirators,<br /><br />Good day to you, creative do-gooders. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, bestselling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and philanthropic patron of the arts.<br /><br />It pleases me greatly to see that this coming Saturday will bring about the fruition of your fourth annual <a href="http://artconspiracy.org/">Art Conspiracy</a> fundraiser, benefiting <a href="http://www.preservationlink.org/">Preservation LINK, Inc.</a> and featuring 150 local artistes, 3 bands, 2 deejays, and a cornucopia of artistic bohemians clad in a colorful assortment of knit scarves and caps.<br /><br />Unfortunately, I will be unable to attend the event, as it coincides with a court ordered vasectomy procedure. My legal staff advises that I do not discuss the particulars of what led to such a debasing judicial decree. I can, however, say this: Alpacas do not enjoy, nor do they tolerate, forced romance.<br /><br />While I am unable to be there in person, below I have included a number of digitally rendered, original art pieces that may be printed out and auctioned off to benefit your cause.<br /><br />Feel free to mount and display them as you wish. Certificates of authenticity to follow.<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. Abthernabther<br /><br /><br /><br /><div align="center"></div><p align="left"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmRqHumMee3xluYf1TDM67f6t6T7olOvxRauoxxmgZpmgT0TpOAB23mI9VNB_HY67sUUsxEKVQ3PIk-9BmYIGpivMgJDt1eFAoUhnd10oBHESXl393_T9QNeNqdtmKnV9Jf21dbgl0YcQ/s1600-h/pigeon+wearing+tank+top.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274896625367825394" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 323px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmRqHumMee3xluYf1TDM67f6t6T7olOvxRauoxxmgZpmgT0TpOAB23mI9VNB_HY67sUUsxEKVQ3PIk-9BmYIGpivMgJDt1eFAoUhnd10oBHESXl393_T9QNeNqdtmKnV9Jf21dbgl0YcQ/s400/pigeon+wearing+tank+top.jpg" border="0" /></a></p><div align="left"><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">BIG BOOBED PIGEON IN TANK TOP<br /></span><br /><br /><div align="left"></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsg9GnhvNVkR1tN3AHPM6HSKBr0wu_LtY0zVjmGMk5eeyVOQmQUoWz2_1eu9T_woHldLZBBF5taHCkynE24qoJ8-Juav2KsS7U9dJwo2s57SCAXq-P3MLQe83RdKyuN4Ee_o46bk64F8o/s1600-h/red+eyed+shark+dog.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274896631835943714" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 264px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsg9GnhvNVkR1tN3AHPM6HSKBr0wu_LtY0zVjmGMk5eeyVOQmQUoWz2_1eu9T_woHldLZBBF5taHCkynE24qoJ8-Juav2KsS7U9dJwo2s57SCAXq-P3MLQe83RdKyuN4Ee_o46bk64F8o/s400/red+eyed+shark+dog.jpg" border="0" /></a> </div><div align="left"></div><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">SHARKDOG</span><br /><br /><br /><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbJ5lnNRwmC5ytd0EIvTGmJ6o6hZmKekFHOMlgP8xBFpv2pNx9ASRa6zmVsvGxKd5CPLWj4Aql4FQHGVUC4HEYkS6j_LseyS9fmoOnpk1ynD1fZuJbt5S7JHevr8PvmpnJrI8zJ6qbWmc/s1600-h/unicorn+ghost+at+sunset.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274896635571299522" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 323px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbJ5lnNRwmC5ytd0EIvTGmJ6o6hZmKekFHOMlgP8xBFpv2pNx9ASRa6zmVsvGxKd5CPLWj4Aql4FQHGVUC4HEYkS6j_LseyS9fmoOnpk1ynD1fZuJbt5S7JHevr8PvmpnJrI8zJ6qbWmc/s400/unicorn+ghost+at+sunset.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div align="left"><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">UNICORN GHOST AT SUNSET</span><br /><br /><br /></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpi25MlgQsTZpFz5TY68TXOHGzk9VM_nVHh5u8BxBUjRdypm5vTkkeUumsJNNp8K387kuPoRhAX0W2CdeiTUqMeAnG7aGdSttF-n0Ae_xw9QT-fzo1iLsnbpj74_88CY6dIi92f4_JOh0/s1600-h/Tim+Rogers+and+Robert+Wilonsky.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274896632954363762" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 323px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpi25MlgQsTZpFz5TY68TXOHGzk9VM_nVHh5u8BxBUjRdypm5vTkkeUumsJNNp8K387kuPoRhAX0W2CdeiTUqMeAnG7aGdSttF-n0Ae_xw9QT-fzo1iLsnbpj74_88CY6dIi92f4_JOh0/s400/Tim+Rogers+and+Robert+Wilonsky.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><span style="font-size:85%;">TIM ROGERS AND ROBERT WILONSKY: LOVE BROTHERS OF THE APOCALYPSE</span>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-45209573433228103422008-11-13T21:39:00.004-06:002008-11-13T21:54:13.999-06:00Alibaster K. Abthernabther vs. The Internets<div><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Dearest web log readers,<br /><br />Please enjoy the following excerpt from a book that I may or may not be working on, entitled </span><span style="font-size:85%;">Alibaster K. Abthernabther vs. The Internets</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >.<br /><br />In this piece I am corresponding with a gentleman on the Facebooks who had sent me a blind invitation to join a group of some sort. I'm still not quite sure what it was about.<br /><br />Now, I can understand why you may approach reading this exchange with a certain amount of skepticism as to its authenticity. While I do have a rather rampant penchant for colorful hyperbole, I assure you that this dialogue took place with an actual person, and no words (or spelling and grammar, for that matter) have been altered, with the exception of the gentleman's name. Enjoy! </span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">***<br /></div><br />Jan,<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>I am currently reviewing my invitation to join your Facebook group, "Road map to building a group list."<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>You will have to excuse my ignorance, but how exactly is this group list supposed to work? I know you probably can't go into too much detail, but generally speaking, what are the mechanics <span class="nfakPe">of</span> this process?<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Also, I am thinking about starting an <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> fan club group. Would you be interested in joining? Then I could join your group and you could join my group and we could have that many more friends. A little tit for tat.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Just let me know. Thanks!<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Yours,</div> <div>Alibaster K. Abthernabther<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div><strong>I am interested in building group list for those who are interested in building their own group list. I can share with you all the little tips and that. As for biz, like I pointed out, it is up to mutual interest to join force together. I am not interested in promoting something that I have no interest in, and so are you, right. The primary goal is to build all the members' group list, then if there is something that catches my eyes, I would go for it, you don't even have to persuade me to do that. So be a member first, then we could have cook a real meal to share with each other.<br /><br /></strong></div> <div><strong></strong> </div> <div><strong></strong></div> <div><strong></strong></div> <div><strong>Jan Cheung</strong></div><br /><div><br />Jan,<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Thank you so much for your immediate reply. This sounds exciting! However, there are still a few things I'm not clear on.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Am I to understand that the group list is intended for people who are building their own group lists? Is it a group <span class="nfakPe">of</span> people sharing their own lists? Or is it a list <span class="nfakPe">of</span> people sharing their own groups? And what are we to promote? Are we promoting a service or are we servicing a promotion? Please advise.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Since you mention it, what would cause something to catch your eye? I mean, any good business knows how to cater to their client, so how should I cater to you? Are you my client or am I your client? Or are we a group <span class="nfakPe">of</span> shared clients exchanging lists <span class="nfakPe">of</span> promotional services? I'm still a bit confused.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Also, I could not gauge your interested in my <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> fan club group from your reply. Could you please clarify?<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>I look forward to cooking a shared meal with you soon, Jen!<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Yours,<br /></div> <div>Alibaster K. Abthernabther<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div><strong>the idea is a self help program to enlarge the size <span class="nfakPe">of</span> friend group. when u have that, u really would not care if u have to go single gunned or have a gang to back u up (if u could get enough interest in others to do that, it means u r either very salesman quality or u have a good product or both). I naturally want to promote my own interest (products and program), but that is 2nd issue. i want to build up a core group that contains individuals who have their own huge groups. So after joining the group, u feel u have a good product to promote to your fellow member, then go ahead & do that. and if members think u have a product that they like, they would in turn invite their own group to buy into that. this is the power <span class="nfakPe">of</span> networking that u dont need to promote to zillion <span class="nfakPe">of</span> ppl, just to the group leaders. and if they buy into ur product, then it is good. and vice versa. this group provides a fair trading ground for products.<br /><br /></strong></div> <div><strong></strong> </div> <div><strong></strong></div> <div><strong>like i said, i naturally want to promote my 2 lines <span class="nfakPe">of</span> biz, as i believe they r good and i m using them. but it is up to u to buy into it to promote to ur own group. but 1st u want to make ur group as large as possible.<br /><br /></strong></div> <div><strong></strong> </div> <div><strong>if u can give me ur phone #, i will call u to explain the essence <span class="nfakPe">of</span> this program, or u want, u r welcome to call me @ XXX.XXX.XXXX<br /><br /></strong> </div> <div> </div> <div>Jan,<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Thank you again for your swift response and your patient explanation. I think it is starting to make a little more sense now. Let me see if I understand correctly.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Let's say my product is an <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> fan club celebrating <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> and their smooth Swedish dance pop sounds. Who's not going to enjoy that? I'll tell you who. Nobody!<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>I would need to amass a significant number <span class="nfakPe">of</span> various group members (who I'd meet through your group and their groups and their groups' groups, etc.) for my <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> group, who would in turn urge members <span class="nfakPe">of</span> their various groups to join my group and the <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> army would grow and grow until it was large enough to invade and occupy a small country. I like where this is going. It's a "Beauiful Life," indeed!<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>So, again, are you going to join my <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> army or not?<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Yours,<br /></div> <div>Alibaster K. Abthernabther<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div><strong>this is exactly what growing a list not to do - forcing ppl to join their group for 1 side benefit. if it is mutual benefit, ppl will join w/o 2nd thought. if ppl r not ready, no matter how good ur product is, it is not a mutual benefit. so to ur tyrannic tactic, it is a definite NO. I m interested in building good for all involved.<br /><br /></strong> </div> <div> </div> <div>Jan,<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>I am sorry to hear this. Apparently, we have our own ideas on the best way to exploit the group feature <span class="nfakPe">of</span> a popular social networking website. To each their own, I suppose.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>While I appreciate your playful use <span class="nfakPe">of</span> alliteration, I would have to disagree with your description <span class="nfakPe">of</span> my tactics as "tyrannic." You see, the music <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> *is* <span class="nfakPe">of</span> mutual benefit to all. It is <span class="nfakPe">of</span> infinite benefit to those who serve it and, conversely, to those who are crushed beneath it's mighty weight.<br /><br />Someday you will see. I only hope that when the day <span class="nfakPe">of</span> reckoning is at hand, that you choose wisely. If you were truly "interested in building good for all involved" you would join my <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> fan club group without further hesitation.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Remember, life is demanding without understanding.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Yours,</div> <div>Alibaster K. Abthernabther<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div><strong>at this point and time, i see no benefit to me to join ur group just to promote for u. i did not force my biz to u even tho i think <span class="nfakPe">of</span> the world to them & cost me nothing, but actually saves my monthly expense and giving me an income. yet i did not impose on u to join. so ur tactic is really oppressing indeed to force me into agreeing w u that it is beneficial to me, while i know for sure it isnt.<br /><br /></strong></div> <div> </div> <div>Jan,<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>How can you see no benefit to joining an <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> fan club group? That is one <span class="nfakPe">of</span> the most ridiculous things I have ever heard anyone say.<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>I am not imposing on you to join. I am simply inviting you to join. You declared that one <span class="nfakPe">of</span> the benefits <span class="nfakPe">of</span> this mutually exclusive relationship was that we could build our groups. I am only trying to build my group in the exact manner you described. I thought we were going to build our groups together over a shared meal. What happened to that meal you promised? I'm hungry, Jan!<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Frankly, I'm not sure I'm interested in joining your group anymore. First <span class="nfakPe">of</span> all, while I have gone into painstaking detail explaining what you can expect from my <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> group, I still have no idea what your group is really all about. What does your group offer? Dishwashers? Teddy bears? Sandwiches? I have no idea. Why would I join your group if I'm not sure if it will offer something that I like?<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>However, I am sure that you want to join my group because I know everyone loves <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span>. Everybody knows that! Why? Because everybody loves <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span>. Everyone breathes oxygen. Everyone sleeps. Everyone eats. And everyone loves <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span>. Why don't you see the Sign, already? Let it open up your eyes!<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Yours,</div> <div>Alibaster K. Abthernabther<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div><strong>this is the last i m gonna spend time w u. u r trying to dictate to me what i feel or say. isnt this tyrannic itself by any measure at all. pls dont answer cos i just dont have the time for this nonsense<br /><br /></strong> </div> <div> </div> <div>Jan,<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Why do you hate <span class="nfakPe">Ace</span> <span class="nfakPe">of</span> <span class="nfakPe">Base</span> so much?<br /><br /></div> <div> </div> <div>Yours,</div> <div>Alibaster K. Abthernabther</div>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-47955593005726881352008-11-04T15:21:00.003-06:002008-11-04T15:35:25.059-06:00Stop the Vote!Dear federal election officials,<br /><br />My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht --- Blast it! There is no time for formal introductions!!!<br /><br />We must stop today’s election process immediately. I know that the hour is late and the gears of democracy are in motion, but I have just uncovered startling new information that will redefine everything we thought we knew about the presidential candidates. This revelation quakes the spine, shivers the timbers, and makes even the stoutest of patriotic boners soft with fear.<br /><br />Our country is operating under illusion. Voters are deciding the fate of our country at this very moment, but they are doing so with minds that have been manhandled, opinions that have been operated upon, and estimations that have been all jimmy-jacked up in this mug.<br /><br />For the last several months I have been conducting a stealthy investigation into the lives and careers of Senators John McCain and Barack Obama. To do this, I employed a secret strike force made up of discredited CIA agents, international spies, defected KGB operatives, ninjas, samurais, and zombie ninja samurais. This crack team of fugitives and assassins were given strict orders to work within the shadows, investigate under cover of night, and communicate only though coded rice paper transcriptions that would be shuttled to and from our underground headquarters via carrier pigeon. <br /><br />Unfortunately, within hours of the team’s assembly, the zombie ninja samurais devoured the brains of their fellow operatives, and then ate each other, leaving only my faithful assistant Reggie Part Two and me to conduct the bulk of the covert analysis.<br /><br />What we found was astonishing, startling, and astartlonishing. It brings me no joy to relay my findings to you, but it must be done. The world must know the truth.<br /><br />The two gentlemen we have come to know as Barack Obama and John McCain are in fact the product of Hollywood prosthetics technicians and movie studio special effects wizardry. Both men are, in fact, actor-comedian Eddie Murphy.<br /><br />We should have seen the signs. The clues were all there. This masquerade was glaringly obvious, even to the most retarded of severely retarded farm animals. <br /><br />There was that instance in early 2007 when Obama was photographed on the set of <em>Meet Dave</em>, wearing a red leather jacket with matching leather pants and gloves, tauntingly singing the “you got no ice cream” song. And just last week, reporters took note of McCain doing an impression of Mr. T receiving anal sex, threatening to rip of his paramour’s penis with a simple clenching of his buttocks.<br /><br />I hope it is not too late to call attention to this horrific ruse and get our country back on the right track. If not, may God have mercy on our souls.<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. AbthernabtherAlibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-73845391729463574212008-10-27T21:58:00.004-05:002008-10-27T22:56:47.292-05:00The Ron Natinsky Brand<p>Dear Dallas City Council member Ron Natinsky,<br /><br />Good day to you, proud public servant. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and brand merchandiser.<br /><br />Congratulations on your reasourceful efforts of image management, good sir. I must admit, before the news broke of <a href="http://cityhallblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/10/dallas-city-council-member-ron.html">your penchant to purchase chintzy plastic promotional baubles on the taxpayer’s dime</a>, <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">I had no idea who you were. Granted, had I received one of said trinkets, I would have at least been familiar with your name, as you had it printed on these items alongside the city of Dallas logo and website address. That’s what the boys down on Madison Avenue call name recognition branding. And it’s what certain investigators might define as discretionary mismanagement of public funds. I call it utter genius!<br /><br />Some may see the recent press as bad publicity, but try to think of it another way. Now that it has been revealed that you used thousands and thousands of taxpayer dollars to purchase your party favor-styled self-promotion, even more people are familiar with the name “Ron Natinsky.” As in, “Ron Natinsky appropriated money that did not belong to him to further his career and public image.” <br /><br />Well, why stop now? You need to keep this publicity train a-rollin’ and on track. To that end, I am proud to make you aware of the following. I operate dozens of Indonesian sweatshops that are just bursting at the brim with all sorts of disposable gewgaws, ready to be repainted, retrofitted and printed with your name and office phone number. Here’s just a taste:</span></p><ul><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's dual-prong “Mighty Anaconda” dildos </span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's pearl beaded silicone cock rings</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's battery-operated clit flickers</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's reusable leather erection straps </span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's weighted, rhinestone-encrusted nipple clamps</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's micro-vibe suctioned love pumps</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky’s Lil’ Rude Boy </span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's plus-size anal intruder (with Velcro safety sheathing)</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's dolphin butterfly rectal spyglass</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's peanut jelly beads</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's never-ending orgasm orbs</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's inflatable Malaysian houseboy</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's slim jim passion plug</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Ron Natinsky's vac-u-lock harness penetration enhancer with testicular aggression refinement </span></li></ul><p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">I assume you will have no qualms associating your good name with these types of items, as you seem to silently advocate fucking taxpayers in the poop chute.<br /><br />Yours,</span></p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Alibaster K. Abthernabther</span>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-34350191523052664062008-10-13T22:28:00.002-05:002008-10-13T22:34:24.765-05:00Due to recent economic developments, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Alibaster</span> K. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Abthernabther</span> is meeting with his financial <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">advisors</span> in an undisclosed fallout bunker deep within a tropical island volcano. <div><br /></div><div>He will resume posting web logs on Tuesday, October 21st.</div>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-24724988400695315522008-10-07T00:01:00.002-05:002008-10-07T00:01:00.528-05:00Go Puck YourselfDear Wolfgang Puck,<br /><br />Greetings, master food preparer. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and marketing strategist for high-end celebuchef chain restaurants.<br /><br />I am ever so excited to hear that you will be opening a new Asian-themed culinary establishment atop our very own Reunion Tower. I absolutely can't wait to be seen there. You'll find that I am a frequent face at all of the area's finest eateries. You might see me out and about, nibbling on sushi canoes at Smush, spooning up frozen cucumber sorbet at the Black Forest Ham Room, or mechanically vomiting in the V.I.P. restroom at Cafe Sashay.<br /><br />As excited as I was when I heard you were opening your new restaurant here, I was anywhere from four to six times more excited to learn of <a href="http://eatsblog.guidelive.com/archives/2008/10/name-wolfgang-pucks-dallas-res.html">the contest being held to name said establishment</a>. I am infamously innovative with such name games, so allow me to prattle a few ideas off the top of my pretty little head...<br /><br /><ul><li>Chow House</li><li>Stuff It In Your Eat Hole </li><li>The Gobbler’s Den </li><li>Flavor Town </li><li>Booger Butterfield’s Wondertime Fun-For-All </li><li>Fetal Eczema </li><li>You Will Punch Your Pregnant Wife In The Stomach, This Shit Tastes So Good</li><li>Hairspray: The Restaurant</li><li>Nostril's Bistro</li><li>The Filthy Sizzling Skillet</li><li>Angela's Ashes</li><li>Taste Buds Be Fuckin'</li><li>Eat It, Like It, Expense It</li></ul><p>Bon Appetit!<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. Abthernabther </p>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-22098055364068484442008-10-02T08:55:00.004-05:002008-10-02T17:18:50.169-05:00LogicproofDear Kirk Cameron,<br /><br />Salutations, ageless heartthrob. My name is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Alibaster</span> K. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Abthernabther</span>, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and author of erotic Biblical fan-fiction.<br /><br />Congratulations on your most recent success. Your latest motion picture film, <a href="http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Fireproof</span></a>, debuted as the #3 motion picture film in the nation. Not since Mel Gibson’s <span style="font-style: italic;">The Passionate Sexy Christ</span> has religious propaganda <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">performed</span> so well at the box office. Let’s see Boner <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Stabone</span> top that!<br /><br />This also bodes well for the upcoming presidential election, if only to remind us of the organizational abilities of the unstoppable American Christian Right. It’s really quite startling. Usually, when a group of religious zealots are that well organized it results in mass genocide, the heavy-handed occupation of a desert-strewn nation, or <a href="http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/">tasty chicken biscuit sandwiches</a>.<br /><br />As the film’s star, I am sure you are quite familiar with the plot of the movie. But I love it so much that I must revisit it. The story revolves around a firefighter character (played by you, Kirk Cameron) that is in the midst of some marital difficulties. The firefighter’s wife needs love and attention, but the firefighter is too busy spending his off-hours in front of his Internet web computer, alternately gambling and masturbating.<br /><br />My favorite scene in the film is when the firefighter destroys his personal computer, taking out his rage and frustration against the lusty trappings of modern technology with a baseball bat. It is as dramatic as it is effective. Though, an equally effective and less costly method would be to simply cache the browsing history.<br /><br />Not to spoil any of the movie’s intricate plot twists, but I think it goes without saying that the true hero of the story is not your firefighter character, but the Bible. Or Jesus. Is it Jesus’ teachings as told in the Bible or the Bible’s interpretation of the teachings of Jesus? Nevertheless, the Jesus Bible reveals a valuable lesson. Why love and tend to your spouse just because you’re supposed to, just because you vowed to, just because you should? You should do these things, not out of honor or respect or love for another human being, but because an invisible omniscient being supposedly decreed it. But only for individuals with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">opposable</span>, interlocking genitalia, not for fags or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">lezbos</span>.<br /><br />That’s why I love this film. It teaches us that no matter who we are - heterosexual firefighters, heterosexual nurses, heterosexual parents of heterosexual firefighters – the answers to our interpersonal problems do not reside in our mind, but in an ancient tome purported to be the unquestionable “Word of God,” though it was in fact written and compiled thousands and thousands of years ago by various disjointed committees and injected with bias, before being heavily edited and forced down the throats of the uneducated by theologically vested governments. <br /><br />Yours,<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Alibaster</span> K. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Abthernabther</span>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-48764544165068471262008-09-30T00:01:00.002-05:002008-09-30T00:01:00.645-05:00Is Russ Martin Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch? No? Then What if He Threatens a Bitch With a Semi-automatic Pistol?Dear Russ Martin,<br /><br />Hello and good day to you. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and staunch feminist activist.<br /><br />First, I would like to congratulate you on your recent <a href="http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/sportatorium/2008/09/russ_martin_charged_with_three.php">evasion of a felony assault indictment</a>, instead being charged with lesser misdemeanors, in connection with an alleged altercation with your girlfriend on July 14th of this year.<br /><br />Now, I am getting my information from various media sources and <a href="http://static.cbslocal.com/station/ktvt/docs/2008/july/martin.pdf">your arrest warrant</a>, both moderately reliable sources at best, so please forgive me if I fudge the particulars.<br /><br />According to the warrant, you ordered your girlfriend to follow up on the delivery status of a parcel related to an I.R.S. audit of your financial dealings. When she did not perform this simple task, you relayed in a phone conversation that you would beat her until she evacuated her bowels, then you went home and proceeded to do just that, eventually brandishing a Glock, no doubt as some sort of symbolic surrogate for your perpetually flaccid, subatomic-sized penis.<br /><br />Well, kudos to you, angry dickless twit! So many women demand equal rights and treatment in our society. Then when we physically assault them like we would a fellow male, they run crying to law enforcement. It just goes to prove the old adage: "Women! Can't live with 'em, can't threaten 'em with a gun."<br /><br />This must be a very trying time for you. I can see how it would be easy for the general public to pass unfair judgement on these most private personal affairs. After all, you are a popular local media figure with a well known penchant for idiotic rage and misogynistic behavior. And it certainly does not help that you have been known to proudly sport the physical hallmarks of a wife-beating hick; be it your now-retired mullet or your sleazeball goatee.<br /><br />Some would suggest that perhaps you should not be involved with women at all, since your infatuation with dead policemen and fallen firefighters borders on necrophiliac homoeroticism. Then again, seeing as <a href="http://www.russmartin.net/listeners_foundation.htm">the charity you've set up to honor these individuals</a> is rumored to be under scrutiny as part of the aforementioned I.R.S. investigation, one might speculate that your interest in them is perhaps not wholly sexual.<br /><br />Stay strong, my friend. I know that these have been trying times, but luckily you have not let it adversely influence your <a href="http://www.russmartin.com/">inexplicably popular radio programme</a>. Despite the turmoil that surrounds you, your daily on-air antics have remained mind-meltingly dull. Keep up the good work!<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. AbthernabtherAlibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-37511371585039594052008-09-25T00:01:00.011-05:002008-09-25T10:46:29.477-05:00One Ticket to ParadiseDear Senior Corporal Rene Dominguez,<br /><br />Good day to you, <a href="http://www.nbc5i.com/news/15581002/detail.html">creative barterer</a>! My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and, like you, someone who occasionally enjoys swapping goods and services for sex acts. Allegedly.<br /><br />First, allow me to <a href="http://cityhallblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/09/dallas-cop-fired-for-bus-ticke.html">welcome you back to the Dallas Police Department</a>. Dallas' Finest certainly need every good man they can get and this reinstatement proves that you can't keep a good man down. Nor can you keep a good man from changing out of his uniform before offering to buy a homeless woman a bus ticket in exchange for some anonymous sexing. Allegedly.<br /><br />Far be it from me to judge the merit of what occurs beneath the warm, gentle buzz of a parking structure's florescence, but the exchange rate that was (allegedly) in effect during the aforementioned interplay does not seem to equally favour both parties.<br /><br />The devil is in the details, I suppose. And the details available are a tad contradictory, if super duper nasty.<br /><br />What has been <a href="http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/renedominguezinvestigation.pdf">documented</a> is a transaction of fellatio with a teeny bit of in-and-out in exchange for a one-way ticket to the armpit of East Texas. That whole package is a little unsavory, even for me. So, let's redraw the entire picture for the sake of argument.<br /><br />Let's assume the bus ticket helped the woman reach a more exotic locale, such as Zanzibar, Minsk, or Thunderfucker Island. Then it would be well worth her while to sex your loins accordingly.<br /><br />However, if the bus ride you afforded her only took her as far as, say, New Braunfels, then I would clearly declare you to be the trade's out-and-out beneficiary. Unless, of course, you also bought her tickets to <a href="http://www.schlitterbahn.com/nb/">Schlitterbahn</a>, in which case I would call the entire affair an equitable draw.<br /><br />Allegedly.<br /><br />And then there is the question of the "sex" in question. Was it, in fact, a throat toss followed by actual coital tumbling, or something far less involved?<br /><br />I think we can all agree that there exists the kind of sex that is merely worth a bus ticket and then there is a wholly other type of ferociously incredible fucksplosion that is worth losing one's job, if only for about 6 months, and then <a href="http://cityhallblog.dallasnews.com/005000.PDF">the Dallas Civil Service Trial Board reinstates you, sans back pay</a>.<br /><br />To avoid possible shortchanging in future swaps, I have drawn up the following reciprocal sex-for-travel scale. I hope you find it informative, useful, and infusefultive.<br /><ul><li>subway token = 30-minute makeout session under a bridge or highway overpass</li><li>guided Segway tour = sensuous testicular massage </li><li>piggyback ride from a unicyclist = yell into rectum</li><li>three-legged sack race = a "Three-Legged Sac Race" </li><li>bus ticket = limp, yet lengthy handjob </li><li>DART pass (one month) = firm, forceful handjob while yelling into rectum</li><li>rickshaw carriage ride = repeated, nondescript sexual penetration of the nasal cavity</li><li>taxi service to airport = reach-around</li><li>taxi service to and from airport = reach-around with full release</li><li>round trip airfare = weekend-long reach-around with super extreme mega release </li><li>chartered helicopter = something I like to call "The Reverse Chicken Dinner"</li><li>oceanic cruise = urinate on foot</li><li>space shuttle trip = an "Around the World" followed by a handshake and a letter of recommendation from an Ivy League University</li></ul><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. AbthernabtherAlibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-33980278543787988252008-09-23T00:01:00.019-05:002008-09-23T00:01:00.493-05:00A History of Dallas Music Douchebaggery<div>Dear aged scenester <a href="http://www.myspace.com/liles">Jeffrey Liles</a>,<br /><br />Good day to you, sir. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther; best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast and, up until a few moments ago, one of your many friends on the Facebooks.<br /><br />On Friday, I sent messages to a number of my Internets acquaintances, thanking them for the gracious gift of their virtual cyber-friendship. As one of said recipients, you know I did this by appropriating the introductory verse and refrain from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuKZNmY3YDU">a popular 1980's television theme song</a>.<br /><br />Some of my cyber-friends replied in kind. Most offered no response. But you, ever the rebellious trailblazer, what with your <a href="http://understandingrace.org/cs/blogs/race/archive/2007/01/24/10.aspx">natty blonde hairstyle</a> and your <a href="http://www.myspace.com/cottonmouthtexas">criminally derivative artistic endeavoring</a>, deemed it necessary to vomit forth a coolly detached retort. Below, in its entirety, is your well worded rejoinder:<br /><br /><em>“Whatever.”</em><br /><br />California Grapes of Wrath of Khan! That is so, as the kids say, “cool.” Ever so cool. An Arthur Fonzerelli kind of cool. And as a 50-year-old gentleman who frequents nightclub establishments catering to people who are quite literally half his age, I assume that a comparison to the Fonz is the highest compliment you could be paid.<br /><br />Whilst your adorable "participation" in and <a href="http://www.myspace.com/historyofdallasmusic">documentation of the local arts and music scene</a> is something to be genuinely commended, your hipper-than-thou reply to a legitimate, if silly, appreciation of on-line camaraderie belies any sense of creative community you pretend to encourage. <br /><br />I know you must be very busy with your innumerable duties as a booking agent / manager / doorman / MC / DJ / spoken word artist / writer / contributor / A&R representative / producer / director / crusty, twatish 50-year-old never-was. So please accept my apology for wasting your precious, precious time. I'm sure you could have better spent it penning <a href="http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/dc9/2008/09/on_the_toadies_return_to_the_r.php">another Toadies piece</a> for the <a href="http://www.dallasobserver.com/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Observer</span></a>. However, might I suggest you start contributing to some more <a href="http://www.aarpmagazine.org/">age appropriate publications</a>.<br /><br />Nevertheless, I wish to thank you for taking time out of that hectic schedule to type out the word “whatever” and click ‘send;’ an action that, if you think about it, completely negates the intended sentiment.<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster K. Abthernabther </div>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-29655387733399545272008-09-18T10:32:00.010-05:002008-09-18T15:20:35.600-05:00James Reza's Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste<p class="MsoNormal">Dear <a href="http://www.dallasblog.com/200809151003569/james-reza/are-white-people-mean.html">James Reza</a>,<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Good day to you, sir.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and longtime fan of your wonderful web-based writings.</p><p class="MsoNormal">I am writing to congratulate you on <a href="http://www.dallasblog.com/200809151003569/james-reza/are-white-people-mean.html">yet another deliciously veiled racist rant</a>, wherein you dissect the complicated issue of race relations with equal part down-home folksy wisdom and disgruntled Caucasian naiveté.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>We certainly don’t have enough of this sort of misguided, antiquated rationalization in the greater American discourse.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>Thank you for saying what needs to be said, what dare not be spoken in mixed company, what is usually heard tumbling out of the mouths of drunken neo-Nazi carnival workers.</p><p class="MsoNormal">By far, this is my favorite passage: </p><p class="MsoNormal"><em>“As I continued to hear Father Flanagan appeal for help for his black congregation I suddenly began to think of the many times I’ve seen white religious ministers and charitable organizations on TV asking American viewers to help them with their donations to feed, heal, and clothe people from all corners of the world. On the contrary, of all the years I’ve viewed TV, I’ve never seen a Hispanic or black minister or Hispanic or black organization soliciting to help other people of different races other than their own. Again, and I’m assuming here, that they think their respective races are the only ones deserving assistance from others, including white people."</em> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Absolute wonderwork.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>As we all know, it is best to derive our opinions of other cultures and religions based on what we see on television.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>It’s the only way to efficiently harbor an insecure, fearful worldview in the ever-broadening global village that is our great nation.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>Also, good job sidestepping the fact that most of these televangelists are glorified grifters, manipulating their faithful flocks for personal wealth and gain.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Furthermore, the way you juxtaposed the colorblind charity of my fellow whites with the insidious efforts of organizations like the United Negro College Fund was pure genius.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>Who do these people think they are, trying to encourage higher education in an ethnic group that spent centuries being ignored and restrained, the psychological and economic effects of which are still felt to this day?</p><p class="MsoNormal">The world requires garbage men and automobile thieves, too.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>Someone needs to tell them that not everyone need attend college and better themselves.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>And by “someone" I obviously mean “James Reza,” the whitest Hispanic man the world has ever known. </p><p class="MsoNormal">And the way you took those filthy media vandals Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to task for their myriad incendiary comments is to be dually commended.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>The way they run their craws, one would think they were given the right of free speech or something.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>I guess that’s what happens when you liberate them from the confines of the plantation.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>Am I right or am I right?<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>No need to answer.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>I can distinctly hear the sound of your scruffy ivory beard scratching against your fleshy neck pouch as you nod in agreement.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Kudos to you, old chap.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>Keep disguising your ignorance as empathy.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>Persist in your clumsy articulation of contradictory theorem, clenching a bible whilst passing blanket judgment on the work of others. Continue blathering on about the plight of the frustrated, downtrodden white man.<span style="font-size:0;"> </span>You clearly are the Malcolm X of the misinformed. </p><p class="MsoNormal">Yours,</p><p class="MsoNormal">Alibaster K. Abthernabther<br /></p><span style="font-family:';font-size:12;"><br /></span>Alibaster Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00463644106878690426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-25430523666621361502008-01-14T17:07:00.000-06:002008-01-14T17:15:50.399-06:00This Week's EditsThe deleted scenes from <a href="http://www.quickdfw.com/sharedcontent/dws/quick/columnists/alibaster/stories//DN-pg5--alibastercolumn_14ick.ART.State.Edition1.37955b0.html">this week's <em>Quick</em> column</a>.<br /><br /><ul><li>"An" was changed to "a."</li><li>"They" was replaced with "them."</li><li>"He" was changed to "she."</li><li>"Woof" was replaced with "meow."</li><li>All words were omitted, then reinserted.</li><li>"Hyphen" was replaced with "-."</li><li>"..." was changed to "<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ellipse</span>."</li></ul><p></p>Alibaster Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00463644106878690426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-6293911925578795672008-01-10T15:50:00.000-06:002008-01-10T16:26:31.624-06:00A Joke In Yo Town/Wears The Late Crown<strong>...</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>911. What’s your emergency?</strong><br /><br />Greetings. My name is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Alibaster</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Abthernabther</span>. I am a best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and <a href="http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/news/localnews/stories/011008dnmetsteveholy.6f6e665.html">recording artist</a>.<br /><br /><strong>Yes, what’s your emergency?</strong><br /><br />Well, I don’t mean to trouble you. I’d rather just forget the whole horrible affair. However, I do believe I was just assault by two of your peace officers.<br /><br /><strong>What was that?<br /></strong><br />Two policemen. I believe they were off-duty. But they behaved quite boorishly, brandishing firearms in my immediate direction.<br /><br /><strong>Where are you located, sir?</strong><br /><br />I am a recording artist.<br /><br /><strong><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Ok</span>, where are you right now? </strong><br /><br />We were playing horseshoes on my front lawn when out of the ether appear two plainclothes policemen. They were yelling and pointing fingers and before I knew it they were pointing their handguns at me.<br /><br /><strong>Can you tell me where you are?</strong><br /><br />I am a recording artist.<br /><br /><strong>Sir, I need to know where you are so I can dispatch an officer to the scene.</strong><br /><br />You’ll have to speak up. You see, I’m a recording artist<br /><br /><strong>Where are you, sir?</strong><br /><br />A recording artist.<br /><br /><strong>I’m not asking who you are or what you do. I’m asking you to tell me where you are. Where are you located?</strong><br /><br />Oh, I understand the question now. I’m sorry; we must have a bad connection.<br /><br /><strong>That is fine. Where are you?</strong><br /><br />I am a recording artist.<br /><br /><strong>Sir, you will have to ---</strong><br /><br />Recording.<br /><br /><strong>What?</strong><br /><br />Artist.<br /><br /><strong>Sir, please ---</strong><br /><br />Recording artist.<br /><br /><strong>I'm going to have to release the call if you won't ---</strong><br /><br />If I won't record a song for you? Well, that should be simple seeing as I am ---<br /><br /><strong>Sir!</strong><br /><br />--- blessed with an inherent knack for song.<br /><br /><strong>I thought you were going to say you were a recording artist.</strong><br /><br />Funny you should mention that. I <em>am </em>a recording artist.Alibaster Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00463644106878690426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-40594841284208569102008-01-07T10:40:00.000-06:002008-01-07T17:03:20.033-06:00This Week's Edits<span style="font-size:85%;"><em>This week's </em>Quick <em>column is about </em></span><a href="http://www.quickdfw.com/sharedcontent/dws/quick/columnists/alibaster/stories//DN-pg5--alibastercolumn_07ick.ART.State.Edition1.378c2fc.html"><em><span style="font-size:85%;">my genitals, exercise equipment, and the painful combination of the two.</span></em></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><em> This was actually a replacement piece, as the column I originally turned in was politely rejected due to certain concerns regarding the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">litigious</span> inclinations of the column's subject. As a treat for you, dear web log reader, I present the column below...</em><br /></span><br />My good friend and standing gin rummy partner Prissy has received more than her fair share of flack in recent weeks. You may know Prissy from the recent media attention that has fallen upon her since it was discovered that her daughter may have fudged some facts in a silly little letter writing contest to procure tickets to a music concert of some sort. <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22502162/">The details escape me.</a><br /><br />The story has since ballooned to international proportions and much has been made of Prissy’s questionable maternal influence. However, I believe this belies the true matter at hand. As usual, the media is all too focused on what people are doing and saying, and not paying enough attention to what they are wearing or how they are presenting themselves physically. This is my point. My good friend Prissy is not just an unforgivably malevolent, disgusting troglodyte on the inside; she is also a hideous, foot-faced monstrosity of a woman on the outside. I can say this because she is my friend.<br /><br />My friend Prissy (a nickname I gave her while we were both attending Yvonne <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Littlebutter</span>’s Finishing School for Filthy Heartless Charlatans) has always had a way of bending reality to her whim and while doing so has always looked like a powdered balloon animal frog with eyebrows that have been penciled in by a prison tattoo artist.<br /><br />Once she was caught shoplifting scratch-off lottery tickets at a gas station and was somehow able to evade criminal prosecution by stating that the lottery tickets had no visible price tag on them and therefore no monetary value. Another time she was stopped by a highway patrolman after commandeering a truck full of velour tracksuits, but avoided arrest when she pointed out that the truck’s license plate depicted three of the eight numbers that made up the full calendar date of her birthday and thus granted her some obscure type of birthright ownership. And just last week she murdered an elderly woman but circumvented the law once again by portraying herself as an angel of merciful euthanasia.<br /><br />Very little can detract from the wisdom and insight one gleans from simply glancing at my good friend Prissy’s outward appearance. It just goes to prove the adage by which I live: You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you most certainly can judge putrid people by their vile visage. She really and truly is a horrific hell beast constructed from the taints of a thousand demons. I can say this because she is my friend.Alibaster Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00463644106878690426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-85804127038710848602008-01-03T22:16:00.000-06:002008-01-03T22:27:01.444-06:00I'm Livin' On The Air<p class="MsoNormal">Dear J.D. Freeman,<o:p><br /></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Hello and good New Year to you, sir.<span style=""> </span>My name is Alibaster Abthernabther.<span style=""> </span>I am a best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, recreational botanist, and loyal <a href="http://www.kdge.com/main.html">KDGE</a> listener.<o:p><br /></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">As you are the DFW market manager for Clear Channel Radio, I’m directly propositioning you to take over the vacant time slot that will be left behind once the immensely talented and underrated <a href="http://www.lexandterry.com/">Lex and Terry</a> duo <a href="http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2008/01/whats_left_of_the_dial.php">move from the Edge to the Eagle</a><a href="http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2008/01/whats_left_of_the_dial.php"> next week</a>.<span style=""> </span>I must say that their show is a delightful and introspective part of my morning routine.<span style=""> </span>Each new morn brings about another deliciously subversive and satirical take on sexual stereotypes and the deeper societal ramifications of the fairer sex’s objectification in popular media.<span style=""> </span>Also, they talk about titties and snatch a lot.<o:p><br /></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">To be quite honest, my own personal brand of entertainment might be a tad on the sophisticated side of the commercial radio spectrum.<span style=""> </span>However I would be more than willing to compromise, combining my own urbane sensibilities with the brand of humor and on-air techniques that the average Lex and Terry listener has become so accustomed to.<span style=""> </span>For example:<o:p><br /></o:p></p> <ul><li>Ask former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher why she dresses like such a “prick tease.”</li><li>Interrupt a telephone interview with opera singer Ashley Putnam to play a quick game of “Would You Stuff Your Penis into It?”</li><li>Make Mother Theresa an honorary posthumous member of the “Queef Brigade.”</li><li>Ask Tom Wolfe why he dresses like such a “cock tickler.”</li><li>Find out from Meryl Streep if her lady parts look like a split peach or a sideways roast beef sandwich.</li><li>Daily visits from pranksters extraordinaire Garrison Keillor and the Gotcha Squad.</li><li>Ask Dame Judi Dench why she’s making my balls all blue by wearing that short skirt.</li></ul><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p>Yours,<br />Alibaster Abthernabther</p>Alibaster Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00463644106878690426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-24327285246551992252007-12-31T15:42:00.000-06:002007-12-31T15:42:13.928-06:00New Year's Eve Edits<p>The deleted scenes from <a href="http://www.quickdfw.com/sharedcontent/dws/quick/columnists/alibaster/stories//DN-pg5--alibastercolumn_31ick.ART.State.Edition1.36e44f8.html">this week's <em>Quick</em> column.</a></p><ul><li>"December is a slow news month" was replaced with "the bottom portion of page 18 in the recent issue of <a href="http://www.dmagazine.com/ME2/Audiences/Default.asp?AudID=29CB3DCAC7E94A08B642EC371FE6E70B"><em>D Magazine</em></a>."</li><li>Recent lull in interweb log posts due to "long hours of charity work at local children's hospitals" was originally and more factually attributed to "days upon days spent playing <em>Cello Hero III: Masters of Chamber Music."</em></li><li>All references to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaleel_White">Jaleel White</a> were removed.</li><li>The lyrics to "Auld Lang Syne" were replaced with those of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-jVU5Lqxx0">Digital Underground's "The Humpty Dance</a>."</li><li>"Humorless, self-important dick whittler" was changed to "Gary Cogill."</li></ul><p> </p>Alibaster Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00463644106878690426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-91993810284641190732007-12-31T12:50:00.000-06:002007-12-31T15:49:52.251-06:00Popping A Cap In The New Year<p>Dear <a href="http://www.wfaa.com/sharedcontent/dws/wfaa/latestnews/stories/wfaa071230_mo_newyearseve.69b8bef7.html">Dallas Residents Who Insist on Discharging Small Arms Into the Air to Celebrate the Induction of the New Year</a>,<br /><br />Greetings and a good New Year to you, fellow citizens. I know that you are excited to usher in the New Year with a fantastic exclamation of rebirth and renewal. Most of us will do this by popping a champagne cork or two, exchanging a romantic midnight kiss, or partaking in an indiscernible inebriated chorus of “Auld Lang Syne” with a group of dear friends. You, on the other hand, choose to mark the occasion by firing a handgun or low caliber rifle into the night air, despite being enclosed within the crowded urban environment of a major metropolitan cityscape.<br /><br />Kudos to you, reckless caveperson. Your asinine display of Wild West enthusiasm has the potential to harm, maim, or even kill an individual with whom you have no personal ties. I salute your inventiveness despite your underdeveloped brainpower and tragically warped chromosomes.<br /><br />While I am sure that this activity is exhilarating for you, might I suggest some alternatives that will not adversely affect the well being of innocent individuals while still providing the thrilling element of danger required of your subhuman intellect.</p><ul><li>Swallow a live road flare.</li><li>Wear a hornet’s nest like a turban. </li><li>Place a lit M-80 firework into a slingshot. Set up a trampoline so that it sits on its side and directly faces you. Aim slingshot at trampoline and release M-80. </li><li>Heave an enormous boulder over your head and then let go of it. </li><li>Apply soldering iron to nipples. Repeat. </li><li>Soak dental floss in hot sauce overnight. Insert dental floss into left nostril. Remove through right nostril. Punch yourself in the face for good measure. </li><li>Eat a dozen pinecones. </li><li>Stomp on the tail of a wild puma. </li><li>Give yourself a “Prince Albert” with a <a href="http://mybedazzler.com/">Bedazzler</a>. </li><li>Steer your pickup truck towards the end of a very high cliff. Drive off of it.</li></ul><p>Happy New Year!<br /><br />Yours,<br />Alibaster Abthernabther</p>Alibaster Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00463644106878690426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7053249686641044002.post-14182049950603272172007-12-24T11:52:00.000-06:002007-12-26T17:00:20.082-06:00Christmas Eve's Edits<p>The deleted scenes from <a href="http://www.quickdfw.com/sharedcontent/dws/quick/columnists/alibaster/stories//DN-pg5--alibaster_24ick.ART.State.Edition1.36e464b.html">this week's <em>Quick</em> column.</a> </p><ul><li>"Santa Claus" was changed to "Jesus Christ." </li><li>"Frosty the Snowman" was changed to "Jesus the Snowman." </li><li>"<em><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096376/">A Very Brady Christmas</a></em>" was changed to "<em>A Very Brady Jesus</em>." </li><li>"Good King Wenceslas" was changed to "Good King Jesus." </li><li>"<em><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059026/">A Charlie Brown Christmas</a></em>" was changed to "<em>Jesus Christ, It's Christmas</em>." </li><li>"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was changed to "Jesus the Newborn Christ Child." </li><li>"<em><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060345/">How the Grinch Stole Christmas</a></em>" was changed to "<em>How Jesus Got His Groove Back</em>." </li><li>"Jesus" was changed to "Jesus Jesus."</li></ul>Alibaster K. Abthernabtherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04759511980281036206noreply@blogger.com