Thursday, November 13, 2008

Alibaster K. Abthernabther vs. The Internets

Dearest web log readers,

Please enjoy the following excerpt from a book that I may or may not be working on, entitled
Alibaster K. Abthernabther vs. The Internets.

In this piece I am corresponding with a gentleman on the Facebooks who had sent me a blind invitation to join a group of some sort. I'm still not quite sure what it was about.

Now, I can understand why you may approach reading this exchange with a certain amount of skepticism as to its authenticity. While I do have a rather rampant penchant for colorful hyperbole, I assure you that this dialogue took place with an actual person, and no words (or spelling and grammar, for that matter) have been altered, with the exception of the gentleman's name. Enjoy!


***

Jan,

I am currently reviewing my invitation to join your Facebook group, "Road map to building a group list."

You will have to excuse my ignorance, but how exactly is this group list supposed to work? I know you probably can't go into too much detail, but generally speaking, what are the mechanics of this process?

Also, I am thinking about starting an Ace of Base fan club group. Would you be interested in joining? Then I could join your group and you could join my group and we could have that many more friends. A little tit for tat.

Just let me know. Thanks!

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

I am interested in building group list for those who are interested in building their own group list. I can share with you all the little tips and that. As for biz, like I pointed out, it is up to mutual interest to join force together. I am not interested in promoting something that I have no interest in, and so are you, right. The primary goal is to build all the members' group list, then if there is something that catches my eyes, I would go for it, you don't even have to persuade me to do that. So be a member first, then we could have cook a real meal to share with each other.

Jan Cheung


Jan,

Thank you so much for your immediate reply. This sounds exciting! However, there are still a few things I'm not clear on.

Am I to understand that the group list is intended for people who are building their own group lists? Is it a group of people sharing their own lists? Or is it a list of people sharing their own groups? And what are we to promote? Are we promoting a service or are we servicing a promotion? Please advise.

Since you mention it, what would cause something to catch your eye? I mean, any good business knows how to cater to their client, so how should I cater to you? Are you my client or am I your client? Or are we a group of shared clients exchanging lists of promotional services? I'm still a bit confused.

Also, I could not gauge your interested in my Ace of Base fan club group from your reply. Could you please clarify?

I look forward to cooking a shared meal with you soon, Jen!

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

the idea is a self help program to enlarge the size of friend group. when u have that, u really would not care if u have to go single gunned or have a gang to back u up (if u could get enough interest in others to do that, it means u r either very salesman quality or u have a good product or both). I naturally want to promote my own interest (products and program), but that is 2nd issue. i want to build up a core group that contains individuals who have their own huge groups. So after joining the group, u feel u have a good product to promote to your fellow member, then go ahead & do that. and if members think u have a product that they like, they would in turn invite their own group to buy into that. this is the power of networking that u dont need to promote to zillion of ppl, just to the group leaders. and if they buy into ur product, then it is good. and vice versa. this group provides a fair trading ground for products.

like i said, i naturally want to promote my 2 lines of biz, as i believe they r good and i m using them. but it is up to u to buy into it to promote to ur own group. but 1st u want to make ur group as large as possible.

if u can give me ur phone #, i will call u to explain the essence of this program, or u want, u r welcome to call me @ XXX.XXX.XXXX

Jan,

Thank you again for your swift response and your patient explanation. I think it is starting to make a little more sense now. Let me see if I understand correctly.

Let's say my product is an Ace of Base fan club celebrating Ace of Base and their smooth Swedish dance pop sounds. Who's not going to enjoy that? I'll tell you who. Nobody!

I would need to amass a significant number of various group members (who I'd meet through your group and their groups and their groups' groups, etc.) for my Ace of Base group, who would in turn urge members of their various groups to join my group and the Ace of Base army would grow and grow until it was large enough to invade and occupy a small country. I like where this is going. It's a "Beauiful Life," indeed!

So, again, are you going to join my Ace of Base army or not?

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

this is exactly what growing a list not to do - forcing ppl to join their group for 1 side benefit. if it is mutual benefit, ppl will join w/o 2nd thought. if ppl r not ready, no matter how good ur product is, it is not a mutual benefit. so to ur tyrannic tactic, it is a definite NO. I m interested in building good for all involved.

Jan,

I am sorry to hear this. Apparently, we have our own ideas on the best way to exploit the group feature of a popular social networking website. To each their own, I suppose.

While I appreciate your playful use of alliteration, I would have to disagree with your description of my tactics as "tyrannic." You see, the music of Ace of Base *is* of mutual benefit to all. It is of infinite benefit to those who serve it and, conversely, to those who are crushed beneath it's mighty weight.

Someday you will see. I only hope that when the day of reckoning is at hand, that you choose wisely. If you were truly "interested in building good for all involved" you would join my Ace of Base fan club group without further hesitation.

Remember, life is demanding without understanding.

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

at this point and time, i see no benefit to me to join ur group just to promote for u. i did not force my biz to u even tho i think of the world to them & cost me nothing, but actually saves my monthly expense and giving me an income. yet i did not impose on u to join. so ur tactic is really oppressing indeed to force me into agreeing w u that it is beneficial to me, while i know for sure it isnt.

Jan,

How can you see no benefit to joining an Ace of Base fan club group? That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard anyone say.

I am not imposing on you to join. I am simply inviting you to join. You declared that one of the benefits of this mutually exclusive relationship was that we could build our groups. I am only trying to build my group in the exact manner you described. I thought we were going to build our groups together over a shared meal. What happened to that meal you promised? I'm hungry, Jan!

Frankly, I'm not sure I'm interested in joining your group anymore. First of all, while I have gone into painstaking detail explaining what you can expect from my Ace of Base group, I still have no idea what your group is really all about. What does your group offer? Dishwashers? Teddy bears? Sandwiches? I have no idea. Why would I join your group if I'm not sure if it will offer something that I like?

However, I am sure that you want to join my group because I know everyone loves Ace of Base. Everybody knows that! Why? Because everybody loves Ace of Base. Everyone breathes oxygen. Everyone sleeps. Everyone eats. And everyone loves Ace of Base. Why don't you see the Sign, already? Let it open up your eyes!

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

this is the last i m gonna spend time w u. u r trying to dictate to me what i feel or say. isnt this tyrannic itself by any measure at all. pls dont answer cos i just dont have the time for this nonsense

Jan,

Why do you hate Ace of Base so much?

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Stop the Vote!

Dear federal election officials,

My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht --- Blast it! There is no time for formal introductions!!!

We must stop today’s election process immediately. I know that the hour is late and the gears of democracy are in motion, but I have just uncovered startling new information that will redefine everything we thought we knew about the presidential candidates. This revelation quakes the spine, shivers the timbers, and makes even the stoutest of patriotic boners soft with fear.

Our country is operating under illusion. Voters are deciding the fate of our country at this very moment, but they are doing so with minds that have been manhandled, opinions that have been operated upon, and estimations that have been all jimmy-jacked up in this mug.

For the last several months I have been conducting a stealthy investigation into the lives and careers of Senators John McCain and Barack Obama. To do this, I employed a secret strike force made up of discredited CIA agents, international spies, defected KGB operatives, ninjas, samurais, and zombie ninja samurais. This crack team of fugitives and assassins were given strict orders to work within the shadows, investigate under cover of night, and communicate only though coded rice paper transcriptions that would be shuttled to and from our underground headquarters via carrier pigeon.

Unfortunately, within hours of the team’s assembly, the zombie ninja samurais devoured the brains of their fellow operatives, and then ate each other, leaving only my faithful assistant Reggie Part Two and me to conduct the bulk of the covert analysis.

What we found was astonishing, startling, and astartlonishing. It brings me no joy to relay my findings to you, but it must be done. The world must know the truth.

The two gentlemen we have come to know as Barack Obama and John McCain are in fact the product of Hollywood prosthetics technicians and movie studio special effects wizardry. Both men are, in fact, actor-comedian Eddie Murphy.

We should have seen the signs. The clues were all there. This masquerade was glaringly obvious, even to the most retarded of severely retarded farm animals.

There was that instance in early 2007 when Obama was photographed on the set of Meet Dave, wearing a red leather jacket with matching leather pants and gloves, tauntingly singing the “you got no ice cream” song. And just last week, reporters took note of McCain doing an impression of Mr. T receiving anal sex, threatening to rip of his paramour’s penis with a simple clenching of his buttocks.

I hope it is not too late to call attention to this horrific ruse and get our country back on the right track. If not, may God have mercy on our souls.

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther