Monday, December 29, 2008

Me Yell!!!

Alibaster K. Abthernabther is enjoying a prolonged holiday on the Canary Islands. In his absence, we present a replacement column written by Kalibaster A. Kabthernabther, his intellectually challenged doppelganger from a parallel dimension.

Dear Jerry Jones,

Hello, person. Me Kalibaster A. Kabthernabther. Me like crayons, spiders, and french fried potatoes. Me also watch and like football. Me yell at TV screen when Cowboys no win game. Me also yell when they do win. Me yell! Football!!!

Me have questions for you, Jerry Jones. Please help and answer.

Why do eyes and head hurts when me stare into sun for long time? Me like look directly into sun. Me no like headaches. But me still stare into sun because me like.

Me yell at sun!

Ice cream is taste good. Me likes ice cream so much, me put ice cream in pants and make love to ice cream because me want make ice cream babies. So far, me no able to produce babies of ice cream. But me still try. Can you help me make ice cream babies, Jerry Jones?

Why is sky blue? Why does sky no answer when I yell at it? These are questions that make me no sleep at the nighttime. What makes you no sleep, Jerry Jones?

One time me eat tire. It make me very sick and I could not yell for many, many days.

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near, Jerry Jones? Follow-up question, why do birds suddenly disappear when me put them in me mouth and eat them whole?

Me want blueberries!!!

Me on westbound train to Chicago leaving Boston at 2:45 p.m. traveling at 200 miles per hour. You on eastbound train to Chicago leaving Los Angeles at 7:15 a.m. traveling at 175 miles per hour. Was I adopted?

Jerry Jones, I will fight you with a sword! Name place! Name time! You bring sword for you. Me only have one sword for me. Me yell while swinging swords!!!

Can you feel the love tonight?

Yours,

Kalibaster A. Kabthernabther

Monday, December 1, 2008

Art From the Heart

Dear Art Conspirators,

Good day to you, creative do-gooders. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, bestselling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and philanthropic patron of the arts.

It pleases me greatly to see that this coming Saturday will bring about the fruition of your fourth annual Art Conspiracy fundraiser, benefiting Preservation LINK, Inc. and featuring 150 local artistes, 3 bands, 2 deejays, and a cornucopia of artistic bohemians clad in a colorful assortment of knit scarves and caps.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to attend the event, as it coincides with a court ordered vasectomy procedure. My legal staff advises that I do not discuss the particulars of what led to such a debasing judicial decree. I can, however, say this: Alpacas do not enjoy, nor do they tolerate, forced romance.

While I am unable to be there in person, below I have included a number of digitally rendered, original art pieces that may be printed out and auctioned off to benefit your cause.

Feel free to mount and display them as you wish. Certificates of authenticity to follow.

Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther




BIG BOOBED PIGEON IN TANK TOP



SHARKDOG





UNICORN GHOST AT SUNSET


TIM ROGERS AND ROBERT WILONSKY: LOVE BROTHERS OF THE APOCALYPSE