Tuesday, January 20, 2009

...In A Galaxy Far Up Your Ass

Dear Bishop T.D. Jakes,

Good day to you, famous local holy man. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, bestselling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and Starfleet Academy graduate.

You will need to excuse the forthcoming tirade. However, I am exasperated beyond explanation. I have heard all manner of idiotic pablum in my day. I thought that I had, as they say, heard it all. But, oh no. You set that bar to a staggering new low, Bishop Jakes. I am absolutely seething right now.

Everyone - and I mean, everyone - knows that "May the Force be with you" is a quote from the Star Wars films and not, as you stated, a catchphrase from Star Trek. So, I have a few questions for you, good sir.

Were you the victim of a Vulcan mind meld gone awry? Did you have the sense knocked out of you by a Wampa? Or are you simply out of your motherfucking mind?

Had it not occurred to you that you may want to fact check your pre-inaugural church sermon for science fiction factual inaccuracies? Seriously. Get it fucking together.

I'm so upset right now, I could shit Tribbles.

This is a new day, a new age, a new chapter in American history. And you would be hard-pressed to find someone - anyone - who does not know the difference between a Jedi and a Romulan. It is so ingrained in our collective American psyche that I'm not even going to bother hyperlinking the words "Jedi" and "Romulan." Why? Because no one needs to look up either of those things! That's why.

You make me so mad, Bishop Jakes. If you were standing in front of me right now, I'd render you unconscious with a nerve pinch. I would reach over, collect a small swath of your shoulder between my thumb and fingers, and BAM! You would be out like a light; a light that wouldn't know the difference between a Klingon Bird of Prey and an Imperial Start Destroyer if his life depended on it.

I mean, seriously. Fuck!

Even my great grandmother, the sainted Aloise Abthernabther, could tell you that Gene Roddenburry dreamt up the miracle of transporter technology, while George Lucas was the one who popularized the concept of spacecraft hyperspace trajection. Of course, Star Trek did explore the possibilities of subspace travel, which is similar to the theory of hyperspace, only it involves navigating through layers of spacetime using "warp speeds" of varying degrees, while the inhabitants of Lucas' Star Wars universe make lightspeed jumps within preprogrammed hyperspace routes that send them hurdling through the galaxy at a near unfathomable rate.

But I digress. The question remains: Are you mentally deficient or just motherfucking retarded in the brains?

Get it together, T.D. Jakes. I am so motherfucking angry at you right now.


Alibaster K. Abthernabther