Friday, November 9, 2007

I Need Someone On My Side!

Dear Becky Oliver,

I am writing to you regarding a most serious matter. I have long been a fan of your hard-hitting investigative reports and bare knuckle exposes but never would I have imagined that I would ever personally request your assistance.

I have nowhere else to turn. I am afraid to go to the authorities, afraid to leave my home, afraid for my life. Every waking moment feels like an eternity of terrifying, relentless paranoia. I call it “eterniterrelentanoia.”

For several months someone has been leaving rocks on my porch. Every morning my personal assistant Reggie goes out to retrieve the newspaper and every morning he returns with aforementioned newspaper and a fresh collection of rocks; rocks that have been stacked purposefully and strategically at my front door. At first it was amusing. Then it was bothersome. Now it is downright bone chilling, a fiendish “prank” that has rendered me veritably housebound.

To address this menace I had new motion sensitive security cameras with infrared night vision installed here at Abthernabther Manor. The very next day in the wee morning hours, the cameras managed to capture a crystal clear depiction of the culprit: Mayor Pro Tem Dr. Elba Garcia.

The revelation of the perpetrator’s identity served only to confuse me further. I have no political affiliation, no desire to hold or influence any public office, an am ineligible to vote due to a rather embarrassing and unfortunate felony conviction involving a Boy Scout troop, 600 gallons of Marshmallow Fluff and a nylon hammock.

So why would our city’s next mayor want to waste her valuable time carefully arranging rocks on my front porch every single morning?

I need answers. This is why I turn to you and you alone, Becky Oliver.

Yours,

Alibaster Abthernabther

PS – I am copying Saul Garza on this request on the off chance that you are presently unavailable. Thank you.