Monday, November 12, 2007

Hang Up & Drive, Please

Dear Highland Park Town Council,

I fully support your upcoming proposal to ban the use of cellular telephones while driving though school zones in Highland Park. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Do not absentmindedly run them down in a sport utility vehicle while text messaging an acquaintance on a bedazzled Razor.

I also believe that you could widen the parameters of this ban for the good of all. In addition to using a cell phone, I believe the following activities should also be considered ticketable offenses if performed while operating a motor vehicle.

  • applying eye makeup
  • meticulously sculpting a faux hawk
  • solving for Pi
  • ironically dancing the "Cabbage Patch"
  • tending to a fondue pot
  • felching
  • praying the rosary
  • making origami swans
  • smoking the drugs
  • leaving a cake out in the rain
Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther