Hang Up & Drive, Please
Dear Highland Park Town Council,
I fully support your upcoming proposal to ban the use of cellular telephones while driving though school zones in Highland Park. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Do not absentmindedly run them down in a sport utility vehicle while text messaging an acquaintance on a bedazzled Razor.
I also believe that you could widen the parameters of this ban for the good of all. In addition to using a cell phone, I believe the following activities should also be considered ticketable offenses if performed while operating a motor vehicle.
- applying eye makeup
- meticulously sculpting a faux hawk
- solving for Pi
- ironically dancing the "Cabbage Patch"
- tending to a fondue pot
- felching
- praying the rosary
- making origami swans
- smoking the drugs
- leaving a cake out in the rain
Alibaster Abthernabther