Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Reason for the Season

Dear Neiman Marcus,

I have just submitted my order for items selected from this year’s Christmas catalog. Please note that I would prefer the personal submarine to be delivered to Abthernabther Manor’s rear entrance as this is where I store most of my nautical equipment.

I must say that I was slightly disappointed in this year’s offerings. They were, shall we say, a tad pedestrian. To assure that the 2008 catalog is up to par, I have cobbled a list of sale items for next year’s catalog. As a lifelong customer I trust that my recommendations will be considered with the utmost care and attention.

  • punchbowl carved from a Yeti skull
  • the 2012 presidential election
  • weapons grade plutonium
  • kryptonite anal beads
  • Redd Foxx’s DNA
  • unconditional love
  • personal zombie army
  • 20/20 foresight
  • an active volcano
  • time traveling DeLorean
  • a breakfast pastry that does not let you down in the flavor department like so many others
  • universal herpes vaccine
  • personal zombie air force
  • Sports Illustrated football phone
  • the ability to reverse the Earth’s natural orbit
  • freshly harvested human organs
  • executive stripper pole
  • the tears of a clown
  • personal zombie coast guard

Alibaster Abthernabther