Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Fancy This!

Dear Cat Fancy,

I must say I was quite impressed with the article “Fight the Bathtub Terror” published in your December 2007 edition. For ages I have struggled with my Egyptian Tabby, Admiral Quenten DuMonte Abthernabther, Esq. during his regular washes. Some may say that a bath every 12 hours may be a bit excessive for a housecat, especially when said housecat spends the majority of his time sleeping inside a breathable rubber dome. But as we all know, some feline-related chores serve more for the enjoyment of the cat’s owner and less for the general hygienic upkeep of the actual cat. Case in point: cat douches.

While your piece on cat bathing was very thorough and informative, I would like to share with you some of the time tested techniques I have employed to relax Admiral Quenten DuMonte Abtherbather, Esq. prior to his delicious, twice daily full fur and body cleansings. Please feel free to share these tips with fellow Cat Fanciers as you see fit.

  • Slip some red wine into your cat’s milk saucer. This is much less time consuming than the more popular method of sprinkling crushed up Valium over their Meow Mix.
  • Secure your cat to the living room sofa with thumb tacks and electrical tape and face them towards a television playing reruns of Meet the Press from 1964.
  • Have your cat teach a Hot Yoga class. This will wear them out physically while simultaneously rebuilding some of the self esteem that eroded away after that painful and costly divorce from Colonel Fuzzy Buttons, PhD.
  • Horse tranquilizers. They’re not just for horses anymore.
  • Dress up like a man-sized rat and scare the dickens out of your cat forcing them into a mild yet immediate cardiac arrest. While they’re struggling to regain consciousness it’s into the cat bath they go!

Alibaster Abthernabther