Thursday, November 15, 2007

Garbage. It's What's For Dinner.

Dear Professor Ferrell,

Greetings to you, good sir. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, casual consumer and lover of things and stuff.

I must admit I was a bit befuddled by your book, Empire of Scrounge and quite taken aback by the insight you obtained after living off of dumpster findings for several months. I myself once spent a time eating out of a trash receptacle. However, I did not do this by choice or for scholarly research. I had become quite mentally unstable after ingesting some homemade Rumplemintz made from mouthwash, chewing gum and dryer sheets. But this is neither here nor there.

I am also quite troubled when I consider this "Freeganism" movement that is in many ways tied to the dumpster diving and trash scrounging you so happily extol. Not long ago it was only the mentally ill and destitute who were forced to forge in this way. In my day we called them filthy, filthy gutter tramps. But now they’re called “freegans.” How rich! Before you know it this freeganism hoy paloy will be all the rage. The youth of tomorrow will want nothing more than to listen to their hippity hop music and play with their Rubik's cubes and willfully scavenge through refuse.

I must declare, dear Professor, that you seem intent on blurring the line that separates hobo and idealistically misinformed Philosophy major. Such distinctions are to be eradicated only after graduation when said Philosophy student has incurred significant student loan debt and is then forced into unavoidable hoboism. It should not be a choice, but a cold, hard punishment for refusing to go to a proper business school. This is the natural order of things. Why are you so determined to offset this balance?

I've got a new "movement" for you, Professor Fun Stuff. How about we give up everything? All of it. We just give it all up. Stop watching sitcoms, stop going to see John Travolta movies, stop wearing clothes, stop eating food, stop sleeping, stop breathing air, stop blinking, stop sneezing, stop racing aerodynamically modified yachts for competitive sport.

While we're at it, why don't we just give our children to the Al-Qaedas? Here ya go, Taliban. Please take our children. We don't care about material wealth and consumer culture anymore. We have no need for it. Allah be praised.

I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Alibaster Abthernabther