Dear Mr. Cagle,
I am writing to address your city’s recent predicament with the Cherry Pit swingers club. Let me begin by saying that I find it to be quite a disheartening and hideous affair and I do not envy the position that these twisted perverts have put you in. Please allow me to extend my most heartfelt sympathies to you and your constituents while simultaneously congratulating you on the recent passing of the city ordinance that should take effect within the next 10 days and finally put an end to these repulsive deviant gatherings.
The ordinance seemed to focus on issues of excessive street traffic and neighborhood noise. While these are valid points, the Cherry Pit proprietor’s pledge to fight the ordinance and take it to the Supreme Court may require a stronger basis of opposition. I do believe I have developed a simple yet effective solution to your city’s smutty little problem that would garner more immediate universal support.
Ask yourself, “Exactly how nasty looking are the people who frequent the Cherry Pit?” To clarify, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being “mildly unattractive,” 5 being “visually off-putting” and 10 being “harpoon it before it moves”) how do these “swingers” rate?
As I am sure you are well aware, everyone likes the idea of unfathomably gorgeous people engaging in sweet, sweaty dog piles of delicious copulation. But no one, aside from the vilest of sexual deviants, would want to think about a bunch of mangled dwarves and eczema sufferers sticking their engorged nee-naws in each other’s moist flee-floos. If you can successfully identify the Cherry Pit’s frequenters as gruesome, drooling manimals you should then be able to secure ample support to keep the ordinance firmly in place for generations to come.
This is truly the issue at hand. It is not so much a case of congested streets, plummeting property values or even manageable morality. It has everything to do with the physical attractiveness of the participants and whether or not their bizarre carnal activities should be videotaped and broadcast by my local cable or satellite provider.
I trust you will take this suggestion into consideration and look forward to addressing any follow-up questions you may have. God speed!
*** UPDATE: Duncanville City Manager Kent Cagle responds! ***
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