Dear Dale Hansen,
Good day to you, sir. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, classically trained flautist, and, like you, I love dead children.
I am very much looking forward to what has become an annual Christmas tradition in the Abthernabther household, your "Thank God for Kids" video montage honoring a recently deceased child. So many broadcasters are afraid to speak out against the senseless deaths of young people, but not you. Whether they succumbed to some horrible disease or parted this mortal coil due to an incurable birth defect, you are not burdened by the same good taste, moral core and sense of common decency that keeps so many other media figures from using an adolescent's corpse to bolster the fabricated sincerity of their public image. You honor the memory of expired youngsters in a way that is not at all self-serving or insultingly over-simplistic.
Why stop there, Mr. Hansen? Why only once a year? If you were to feature something like this during your Sports Special on a monthly basis it would benefit whatever it is you're pretending to benefit while simultaneously inflating your already exaggerated sense of purpose and virtue to even more gargantuan proportions. Feel free to take any of the following suggestions, have the Oak Ridge Boys write a song about them, and then apply them to your television program throughout the upcoming year.
January – "I Hate Things That Are Bad"
February – "Thank God for Puppies"
March – "Cancer Is Not Fun"
April –"Thank God for Mock Turtlenecks and Sports Coats"
May – "Down With Diarrhea"
June – "Thank God for Sunshine. Unless You Have One of Those Weird Afflictions Where The Sun Makes You Break Out In A Horrible Rash, In Which Case, Thank God for Sunscreen "
July – "Sex Offenders Need To Chill Out Already"
August – "Thank God for Frisbees"
September – "I Enjoy Eating Things That Taste Good To Me"
October – "I Am Certainly Not A Fan of These Terrorist People"
November – "Thank God for Me, Dale Hansen of Dale Hansen's Sports Special"