Dear Jane McGarry,
Allow me to extend warm greetings and the sincerest of salutations. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. Aside from being a world famous yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, Faberge egg collector and walrus ivory hunter, I am also an authorized reseller of Madame Chufolt’s Elegant Designer Neckwear for the Dallas-Fort Worth area.
I could not help but notice that during your nightly local newscasts you are almost always adorned with either spectacularly chunky necklaces or suit jackets and blouses with jutting lapels and collars that could easily be mistaken for the tail fins of a 57 Chevy. Glorious!
The thought occurred to me: “I must get in on some of this action!” Your nightly appearances provide an ideal showcase for Madame Chufolt’s spring line. We have a cornucopia of pendants, lariats, bibs, lockets, Livery collars, Figaro and omega chains, lanyards and studded leather chokers, any of which would look absolutely breathtaking on you.
Of course, any pieces that you wear on air will be yours to keep free of charge. Please consider this offer, really I think of it as more of an opportunity for both of us, and let me know your decision once you’ve consulted with the KXAS wardrobe staff.