Thursday, November 8, 2007

Every Toll Road Has Its Thorn

Dear Mr. Schutze,

You will have to excuse my tardiness. I have been meaning to write you this week but decided to allow for a few days of rest while you resuscitate your deliciously cantankerous ire. Please accept my belated congratulations for your furious, if somewhat futile rabblerousing in opposition of the Trinity River toll road proposition.

By all accounts the margin of victory would have been far greater had it not been for you and your feverish desire to keep my fellow Dallas commuters and me festering in congealed traffic from now until the end of all recorded time. Also, why do you hate babies and puppies so much?

Tooth and nail, tongue in cheek, you have been fighting the establishment’s plan to put a toll road next to the river walk (or are they putting a river in the toll road? Wait. Aren’t they putting a park in the river? I’ve already forgotten.) for a long, long, long, long time. I believe you started tackling the issue back in 1953, just as our boys were returning from Korea. And ever since then you have all but lived, breathed, slept and defecated Prop 1.

So now what? I would say you are due some well deserved downtime. Please allow me to suggest some leisure activities that might help take you mind off that pesky Trinity debacle.
  • Masturbate.
  • Read A River Runs Through It and Other Stories by Norman Maclean.
  • Surf the Internet. Inevitably end up masturbating.
  • Watch Blade: Trinity starring Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson and the incomparable Ryan Reynolds.
  • Sit on your hand until it falls asleep then masturbate and pretend it’s someone else giving you a sloppy handjob.
  • Enjoy some delectable NestlĂ©’s Toll House cookies.
  • Masturbate.
I know that these stress relievers have always helped me overcome all manner of defeat and dejection and aided in my overcoming a great many vices and addictions. Except for that one time when I tried to stop masturbating so much.


Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther