Till You Drop
Dear NorthPark Center management,
Greetings and Happy Holidays. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, celebrity personality (“celebrinality”), and genetically predisposed shopaholic.
I am writing to you regarding the upcoming “Black Friday” blitz at NorthPark. I would love to personally attend, but will be out of pocket on a remote undisclosed island attending Abthernabther Thanksgiving festivities. I am quite torn, as I do enjoy my family’s company but almost certainly not as much as I adore a new pair of shoes. Grandpapa Abthernabther may spin a good yarn and pour a fine cabernet, but rarely does he elevate my heels so that my buttocks appear to defy all gravitational laws.
While I will not be able to shop for myself, a personal shopper will be attending in my absence and I trust that this surrogate will be served with the same level of reverence that I have come to cherish as a long time NorthPark customer. You may have heard through the proper society gossip channels of how my previous assistant Reggie met a tragic and abrupt demise. Regrettably, a proper period of grieving is not a luxury I can afford with the season of giving so close at hand. I was lucky enough to hire on a new aide in time for the holiday shopping season. Her name is Jennifer and to simplify I have taken to referring to her as “Reggie Part Two.” Please submit to her accordingly.
I have given Reggie Part Two specific directions on how to access the super secret select shoppers entrance that is available to NorthPark’s most valued patrons. She has all the identifying paperwork in order and is under strict instruction not to divulge the existence of this clandestine access to anyone under penalty of immediate termination. To be on the safe side I have made arrangements for a group of government scientists to wipe her memory once all of my Christmas shopping is taken care of.
I assume these arrangements are suitable to all involved. I look forward to spending vast amounts of money at your facilities and extend to you the very happiest of holiday wishes.
Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther
Greetings and Happy Holidays. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, celebrity personality (“celebrinality”), and genetically predisposed shopaholic.
I am writing to you regarding the upcoming “Black Friday” blitz at NorthPark. I would love to personally attend, but will be out of pocket on a remote undisclosed island attending Abthernabther Thanksgiving festivities. I am quite torn, as I do enjoy my family’s company but almost certainly not as much as I adore a new pair of shoes. Grandpapa Abthernabther may spin a good yarn and pour a fine cabernet, but rarely does he elevate my heels so that my buttocks appear to defy all gravitational laws.
While I will not be able to shop for myself, a personal shopper will be attending in my absence and I trust that this surrogate will be served with the same level of reverence that I have come to cherish as a long time NorthPark customer. You may have heard through the proper society gossip channels of how my previous assistant Reggie met a tragic and abrupt demise. Regrettably, a proper period of grieving is not a luxury I can afford with the season of giving so close at hand. I was lucky enough to hire on a new aide in time for the holiday shopping season. Her name is Jennifer and to simplify I have taken to referring to her as “Reggie Part Two.” Please submit to her accordingly.
I have given Reggie Part Two specific directions on how to access the super secret select shoppers entrance that is available to NorthPark’s most valued patrons. She has all the identifying paperwork in order and is under strict instruction not to divulge the existence of this clandestine access to anyone under penalty of immediate termination. To be on the safe side I have made arrangements for a group of government scientists to wipe her memory once all of my Christmas shopping is taken care of.
I assume these arrangements are suitable to all involved. I look forward to spending vast amounts of money at your facilities and extend to you the very happiest of holiday wishes.
Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther