Sunday, November 18, 2007

Filth Mongers Gone GaGa

Dear Mr. John Eckerd,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, boat show model, and collector of wildly exploitive, mildly pornographic mail order DVDs.

I was saddened to read the Dallas Morning News piece about your years-long struggle and subsequently futile efforts to produce a Racetrack Girls Gone Nutz “documentary.” This is truly a sad commentary on the state of modern independent cinema. From the innovative Girls Gone Wild and its equally popular imitator Wild Party Girls to the lesser known Ladies Gone Crazy Naked and Topless Girls with Severe Learning Disorders, the lexicon of video montages featuring inebriated jizm receptacles exposing themselves in public would have been greatly enriched by the addition of your product.

Despite NASCAR's vehement objections and legal injunctions, I would have gladly purchased Racetrack Girls Gone Nutz for a number of reasons. First of all, I particularly enjoy intentional misspellings. I find it irresistibly zany. It lets me know that these girls are really and truly going to go bonkers in ways I cannot even begin to fathom. I really think you held back, though. A more jovial moniker might have been Raystrak Gurlz Gawn Nuhtz.

But the farcically descriptive title is not what would draw me to viewing. You see, I thoroughly enjoy achieving erections brought on by video images of naked ladies. Call me old fashion. Call me a pervert. Call me an old fashioned pervert. But when it comes to masturbatory stimuli you can rarely find finer boner fodder than that of skeezers with daddy issues unleashing their titty parts to an ocean of Neanderthal applause.

Alas, your concept has been dashed and I could not be more disappointed. I am absolutely flaccid with regret. But I don’t think you are completely spent, good sir. Please accept the following pro bono suggestions and apply them to your next business venture. I look forward to calling an 800 number and purchasing them in the near future.
  • Wet Nurses Gone Wacko
  • Aerobics Instructors with Their Boobies Out
  • Nip Slip Nuns
  • Mentally Unstable Stewardesses
  • WNBA Locker Room Towel Fights
  • Society Continues To Crumble
  • Shamelessly Shaved Seamstresses
  • Steak House Hostesses Gone Touched in the Head
  • Lady Folk without Any Clothes On
  • “Sorority Girls” Who Are Actually Ex-Strippers in Their Late 40’s Gone Feral
Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther