Friday, February 27, 2009

Not a Good Day

Dear Tim Ryan,

Good day to you, early morning news broadcaster. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, bestselling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, and "news junkie." Also, I am quite severely addicted to illegal narcotics.

It is a sad, sad, moment indeed, not unlike slavery, forced child labor, the Holocaust, and the final episode of After M*A*S*H all rolled into one. Today is a day that will live in sorrow-soaked infamy, as the FOX Good Day family wishes a fond farewell to your co-anchor and friend, the lovely and talented Megan Henderson.

Everyone has their favorite "Megan Moments" and I am no exception. Who didn't love the time she donned a string bikini, slathered herself in cocoa butter and challenged CBS-11's Kristine Kahanek to a wrestling match in a kiddie pool full of tapioca pudding?

Who couldn't help but smile as they watched Megan and NBC-5 reporter Susy Solis doing body shots off of each other until they both collapsed to the floor of a Dave & Buster's game room in a sexy, sweaty heap?

And how about the time she engaged in a giggly, playful water balloon fight with WFFA's Alexa Conomos, then called Gary Gogill a "walking queef machine" and kicked him square in his dick?

Sure, none of these things ever actually occurred in real life and are only erotic fantasies of my own concoction. Nonetheless, they are vivid memories that I will hold near and dear to both my heart and my penis for years to come.

Fabricated or factual, all we have now are these memories, as Miss Megan is off to La-La Land, where she will deliver morning reports on the latest diarrheal diet fads and luxury house pet accessories to the fine, orange-tinged populace of Los Angeles.

Now we must move on without her. Having heard tell that FOX-5 will not immediately replace Megan, instead supplying you with a rotating cast of co-anchors, I wish to offer my services to you in that regard. Sure, I don't look as hot in a hobble skirt as your old partner. But my inability to harvest boners over the North Texas airwaves is dwarfed by my journalistic professionalism and mastery of pretending that an overtly biased delivery of the news is, in fact, objective reporting.

Nowadays, isn't that what television journalism is really all about? Please allow me to leave you with a little taste of the goods...

Chef Jake shows us how to make dolphin eyeball soup. We'll review the latest frighteningly realistic talking dog movie. How to set a Democrat on fire without leaving any trace evidence. And take our brand new "Are You Fucking Retarded?" quiz. All this and more, tomorrow on Good Day!

Alibaster K. Abthernabther