Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A History of Dallas Music Douchebaggery

Dear aged scenester Jeffrey Liles,

Good day to you, sir. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther; best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast and, up until a few moments ago, one of your many friends on the Facebooks.

On Friday, I sent messages to a number of my Internets acquaintances, thanking them for the gracious gift of their virtual cyber-friendship. As one of said recipients, you know I did this by appropriating the introductory verse and refrain from a popular 1980's television theme song.

Some of my cyber-friends replied in kind. Most offered no response. But you, ever the rebellious trailblazer, what with your natty blonde hairstyle and your criminally derivative artistic endeavoring, deemed it necessary to vomit forth a coolly detached retort. Below, in its entirety, is your well worded rejoinder:


California Grapes of Wrath of Khan! That is so, as the kids say, “cool.” Ever so cool. An Arthur Fonzerelli kind of cool. And as a 50-year-old gentleman who frequents nightclub establishments catering to people who are quite literally half his age, I assume that a comparison to the Fonz is the highest compliment you could be paid.

Whilst your adorable "participation" in and documentation of the local arts and music scene is something to be genuinely commended, your hipper-than-thou reply to a legitimate, if silly, appreciation of on-line camaraderie belies any sense of creative community you pretend to encourage.

I know you must be very busy with your innumerable duties as a booking agent / manager / doorman / MC / DJ / spoken word artist / writer / contributor / A&R representative / producer / director / crusty, twatish 50-year-old never-was. So please accept my apology for wasting your precious, precious time. I'm sure you could have better spent it penning another Toadies piece for the Observer. However, might I suggest you start contributing to some more age appropriate publications.

Nevertheless, I wish to thank you for taking time out of that hectic schedule to type out the word “whatever” and click ‘send;’ an action that, if you think about it, completely negates the intended sentiment.

Alibaster K. Abthernabther