James Reza's Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Dear James Reza,

Good day to you, sir. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and longtime fan of your wonderful web-based writings.

I am writing to congratulate you on yet another deliciously veiled racist rant, wherein you dissect the complicated issue of race relations with equal part down-home folksy wisdom and disgruntled Caucasian naiveté. We certainly don’t have enough of this sort of misguided, antiquated rationalization in the greater American discourse. Thank you for saying what needs to be said, what dare not be spoken in mixed company, what is usually heard tumbling out of the mouths of drunken neo-Nazi carnival workers.

By far, this is my favorite passage:

“As I continued to hear Father Flanagan appeal for help for his black congregation I suddenly began to think of the many times I’ve seen white religious ministers and charitable organizations on TV asking American viewers to help them with their donations to feed, heal, and clothe people from all corners of the world. On the contrary, of all the years I’ve viewed TV, I’ve never seen a Hispanic or black minister or Hispanic or black organization soliciting to help other people of different races other than their own. Again, and I’m assuming here, that they think their respective races are the only ones deserving assistance from others, including white people."

Absolute wonderwork. As we all know, it is best to derive our opinions of other cultures and religions based on what we see on television. It’s the only way to efficiently harbor an insecure, fearful worldview in the ever-broadening global village that is our great nation. Also, good job sidestepping the fact that most of these televangelists are glorified grifters, manipulating their faithful flocks for personal wealth and gain.

Furthermore, the way you juxtaposed the colorblind charity of my fellow whites with the insidious efforts of organizations like the United Negro College Fund was pure genius. Who do these people think they are, trying to encourage higher education in an ethnic group that spent centuries being ignored and restrained, the psychological and economic effects of which are still felt to this day?

The world requires garbage men and automobile thieves, too. Someone needs to tell them that not everyone need attend college and better themselves. And by “someone" I obviously mean “James Reza,” the whitest Hispanic man the world has ever known.

And the way you took those filthy media vandals Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to task for their myriad incendiary comments is to be dually commended. The way they run their craws, one would think they were given the right of free speech or something. I guess that’s what happens when you liberate them from the confines of the plantation. Am I right or am I right? No need to answer. I can distinctly hear the sound of your scruffy ivory beard scratching against your fleshy neck pouch as you nod in agreement.

Kudos to you, old chap. Keep disguising your ignorance as empathy. Persist in your clumsy articulation of contradictory theorem, clenching a bible whilst passing blanket judgment on the work of others. Continue blathering on about the plight of the frustrated, downtrodden white man. You clearly are the Malcolm X of the misinformed.

Yours,

Alibaster K. Abthernabther