Dear Russ Martin,
Hello and good day to you. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and staunch feminist activist.
First, I would like to congratulate you on your recent evasion of a felony assault indictment, instead being charged with lesser misdemeanors, in connection with an alleged altercation with your girlfriend on July 14th of this year.
Now, I am getting my information from various media sources and your arrest warrant, both moderately reliable sources at best, so please forgive me if I fudge the particulars.
According to the warrant, you ordered your girlfriend to follow up on the delivery status of a parcel related to an I.R.S. audit of your financial dealings. When she did not perform this simple task, you relayed in a phone conversation that you would beat her until she evacuated her bowels, then you went home and proceeded to do just that, eventually brandishing a Glock, no doubt as some sort of symbolic surrogate for your perpetually flaccid, subatomic-sized penis.
Well, kudos to you, angry dickless twit! So many women demand equal rights and treatment in our society. Then when we physically assault them like we would a fellow male, they run crying to law enforcement. It just goes to prove the old adage: "Women! Can't live with 'em, can't threaten 'em with a gun."
This must be a very trying time for you. I can see how it would be easy for the general public to pass unfair judgement on these most private personal affairs. After all, you are a popular local media figure with a well known penchant for idiotic rage and misogynistic behavior. And it certainly does not help that you have been known to proudly sport the physical hallmarks of a wife-beating hick; be it your now-retired mullet or your sleazeball goatee.
Some would suggest that perhaps you should not be involved with women at all, since your infatuation with dead policemen and fallen firefighters borders on necrophiliac homoeroticism. Then again, seeing as the charity you've set up to honor these individuals is rumored to be under scrutiny as part of the aforementioned I.R.S. investigation, one might speculate that your interest in them is perhaps not wholly sexual.
Stay strong, my friend. I know that these have been trying times, but luckily you have not let it adversely influence your inexplicably popular radio programme. Despite the turmoil that surrounds you, your daily on-air antics have remained mind-meltingly dull. Keep up the good work!
Alibaster K. Abthernabther