Dear Kirk Cameron,
Salutations, ageless heartthrob. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and author of erotic Biblical fan-fiction.
Congratulations on your most recent success. Your latest motion picture film, Fireproof, debuted as the #3 motion picture film in the nation. Not since Mel Gibson’s The Passionate Sexy Christ has religious propaganda performed so well at the box office. Let’s see Boner Stabone top that!
This also bodes well for the upcoming presidential election, if only to remind us of the organizational abilities of the unstoppable American Christian Right. It’s really quite startling. Usually, when a group of religious zealots are that well organized it results in mass genocide, the heavy-handed occupation of a desert-strewn nation, or tasty chicken biscuit sandwiches.
As the film’s star, I am sure you are quite familiar with the plot of the movie. But I love it so much that I must revisit it. The story revolves around a firefighter character (played by you, Kirk Cameron) that is in the midst of some marital difficulties. The firefighter’s wife needs love and attention, but the firefighter is too busy spending his off-hours in front of his Internet web computer, alternately gambling and masturbating.
My favorite scene in the film is when the firefighter destroys his personal computer, taking out his rage and frustration against the lusty trappings of modern technology with a baseball bat. It is as dramatic as it is effective. Though, an equally effective and less costly method would be to simply cache the browsing history.
Not to spoil any of the movie’s intricate plot twists, but I think it goes without saying that the true hero of the story is not your firefighter character, but the Bible. Or Jesus. Is it Jesus’ teachings as told in the Bible or the Bible’s interpretation of the teachings of Jesus? Nevertheless, the Jesus Bible reveals a valuable lesson. Why love and tend to your spouse just because you’re supposed to, just because you vowed to, just because you should? You should do these things, not out of honor or respect or love for another human being, but because an invisible omniscient being supposedly decreed it. But only for individuals with opposable, interlocking genitalia, not for fags or lezbos.
That’s why I love this film. It teaches us that no matter who we are - heterosexual firefighters, heterosexual nurses, heterosexual parents of heterosexual firefighters – the answers to our interpersonal problems do not reside in our mind, but in an ancient tome purported to be the unquestionable “Word of God,” though it was in fact written and compiled thousands and thousands of years ago by various disjointed committees and injected with bias, before being heavily edited and forced down the throats of the uneducated by theologically vested governments.
Alibaster K. Abthernabther