Monday, October 27, 2008

The Ron Natinsky Brand

Dear Dallas City Council member Ron Natinsky,

Good day to you, proud public servant. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther, best-selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast, and brand merchandiser.

Congratulations on your reasourceful efforts of image management, good sir. I must admit, before the news broke of your penchant to purchase chintzy plastic promotional baubles on the taxpayer’s dime, I had no idea who you were. Granted, had I received one of said trinkets, I would have at least been familiar with your name, as you had it printed on these items alongside the city of Dallas logo and website address. That’s what the boys down on Madison Avenue call name recognition branding. And it’s what certain investigators might define as discretionary mismanagement of public funds. I call it utter genius!

Some may see the recent press as bad publicity, but try to think of it another way. Now that it has been revealed that you used thousands and thousands of taxpayer dollars to purchase your party favor-styled self-promotion, even more people are familiar with the name “Ron Natinsky.” As in, “Ron Natinsky appropriated money that did not belong to him to further his career and public image.”

Well, why stop now? You need to keep this publicity train a-rollin’ and on track. To that end, I am proud to make you aware of the following. I operate dozens of Indonesian sweatshops that are just bursting at the brim with all sorts of disposable gewgaws, ready to be repainted, retrofitted and printed with your name and office phone number. Here’s just a taste:

  • Ron Natinsky's dual-prong “Mighty Anaconda” dildos
  • Ron Natinsky's pearl beaded silicone cock rings
  • Ron Natinsky's battery-operated clit flickers
  • Ron Natinsky's reusable leather erection straps
  • Ron Natinsky's weighted, rhinestone-encrusted nipple clamps
  • Ron Natinsky's micro-vibe suctioned love pumps
  • Ron Natinsky’s Lil’ Rude Boy
  • Ron Natinsky's plus-size anal intruder (with Velcro safety sheathing)
  • Ron Natinsky's dolphin butterfly rectal spyglass
  • Ron Natinsky's peanut jelly beads
  • Ron Natinsky's never-ending orgasm orbs
  • Ron Natinsky's inflatable Malaysian houseboy
  • Ron Natinsky's slim jim passion plug
  • Ron Natinsky's vac-u-lock harness penetration enhancer with testicular aggression refinement

I assume you will have no qualms associating your good name with these types of items, as you seem to silently advocate fucking taxpayers in the poop chute.

Yours,

Alibaster K. Abthernabther