Friday, December 7, 2007

Death Be Not Proud

Dear Jill "J.R." Labbe,

My name is Alibaster Abthernabther, best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, Hummel figurine collector, and staunch proponent of court-ordered lethal punishment.

Kudos on your recent commentary in defense of the death penalty which was recently broadcast over the airwaves and the world wide web waves of our local public broadcasting radio affiliate. It surely brightened my morning drive to the gym. Nothing prepares my stomach for a series of merciless crunches like a disjointed and condescending argument in favor of terminating the miserable, twisted life of some mentally deficient beast.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Yes, once an accused murderer or child molester or rapist or murdering child molesting rapist has been sufficiently "tried in a court of law and found guilty of their earthly actions" - a process which is infamously free of fault, flaw or mishap - the accused should then be put down like the diseased creature that they are. Any right-thinking, blue-blooded, God-fearing, Larry the Cable Guy Christmas Spectacular-viewing American can get on board with that. However, I personally believe that the means of execution at our disposal are in fact too humane and thus equating the painless, chemically induced death of, say, a fiendish serial killing cannibal to "justice" is somewhat of a misnomer.

To be, as you so put it, "society's just and symmetrical response to the premeditated act of murder," I personally believe the punishment of death should be precisely and exactly symmetrical, perfectly fitting the crime like an Yves Saint-Laurent Croc-Embossed Glove. If a murderer is accused and convicted of turning their victim's skull into an ashtray then the criminal's skull should meet the same posthumous cigarette butt-filled fate. None of this namby-pamby lethal injection pampering.

Conversely, I believe that the proper way to abort an unwanted pregnancy is to sex it to death. Call me old fashioned. That’s how I was raised.

Alibaster Abthernabther