Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Let's All Go To The Movies!

Dear Dallas-Fort Worth Film Critics Association,

Yearend greetings to you, good sirs and madams. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, ascot designer, and devout cinema buff.

I am writing to your organization with regard to your recent list of the best films of 2007. Please excuse the frankness of my query. However, after reviewing your selections I would be remiss if I did not ask, “Are your minds stifled by irreparable retardation and drastic developmental erosion?”

No Country for Old Men? More like, No Country for Stupid Dummies with Dumb Faces.

The Kite Runner? I think you mean, Too Lazy to Buy the Book at Starbucks? Here’s the Movie.

There Will Be Blood? How about, There Will Need to be Some Sort of Explanation Since This Movie Hasn’t Even Been Released Yet?

I have to say, I was quite disappointed with your collection of paramount motion pictures. And of course, when I say “paramount” I am not referring to the film studio of the same name, but am using the word as an adjective meaning “supreme in rank, power, or authority.” But I digress.

As a service to your woefully misrepresentative organization I have included my personal picks for the year’s best films. I suggest you review them carefully and make the necessary adjustments to your inferior list accordingly.

Eddie Murphy illustrates his expert range as a master thespian in his portrayal of the titular character, a hapless awkward orphan. It’s an enchanting and timeless tale of nerds, the morbidly obese, and bawdy ethnic insensitivity. Enchanting!

Me Having a Sexual Encounter with an Unconscious Hobo
Sometimes I film myself having sex. Sometimes I have sex with destitute street people. Sometimes I combine these two leisure pursuits. Often this results in movie magic.

Eddie Murphy shows that he can efficiently offend fat people, black people, women, and fat black women with his stunning performance of Norbit’s femme fetale fatty, Rasputia. A bonus point for utilizing the hit Pussycat Girls song “Don’t Cha” not once, not twice, but three times in the course of the film’s running time. Delightful!

2 Girls, 1 Cup
Clearly, one of the year’s best. This is the romantic story of two young women's shared affection for an excrement receptacle. Guaranteed to become a heartwarming classic for generations to come.

Eddie Murphy proves there is no racial stereotype he cannot effectively portray as Chinese restaurateur, Mr. Wong. Wonderous!

Thank you,
Alibaster Abthernabther

* UPDATE : 12/19/07 *

WFAA's Gary Cogill responds:

It's so refreshing to see your mean cynical email first thing in the morning. Thank you for being so mean to people you have never met.