Dear Dallas Residents Who Insist on Discharging Small Arms Into the Air to Celebrate the Induction of the New Year,
Greetings and a good New Year to you, fellow citizens. I know that you are excited to usher in the New Year with a fantastic exclamation of rebirth and renewal. Most of us will do this by popping a champagne cork or two, exchanging a romantic midnight kiss, or partaking in an indiscernible inebriated chorus of “Auld Lang Syne” with a group of dear friends. You, on the other hand, choose to mark the occasion by firing a handgun or low caliber rifle into the night air, despite being enclosed within the crowded urban environment of a major metropolitan cityscape.
Kudos to you, reckless caveperson. Your asinine display of Wild West enthusiasm has the potential to harm, maim, or even kill an individual with whom you have no personal ties. I salute your inventiveness despite your underdeveloped brainpower and tragically warped chromosomes.
While I am sure that this activity is exhilarating for you, might I suggest some alternatives that will not adversely affect the well being of innocent individuals while still providing the thrilling element of danger required of your subhuman intellect.
- Swallow a live road flare.
- Wear a hornet’s nest like a turban.
- Place a lit M-80 firework into a slingshot. Set up a trampoline so that it sits on its side and directly faces you. Aim slingshot at trampoline and release M-80.
- Heave an enormous boulder over your head and then let go of it.
- Apply soldering iron to nipples. Repeat.
- Soak dental floss in hot sauce overnight. Insert dental floss into left nostril. Remove through right nostril. Punch yourself in the face for good measure.
- Eat a dozen pinecones.
- Stomp on the tail of a wild puma.
- Give yourself a “Prince Albert” with a Bedazzler.
- Steer your pickup truck towards the end of a very high cliff. Drive off of it.
Happy New Year!