Dear Dallas Business Journal,
Good day to you. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, folk dancer, and diverse employer.
I am writing to you regarding your upcoming “Diversity in the Workplace” conference and to offer myself as either a guest speaker, guest panelist, or high profile guest of honor. I hire African-Americans. And I'm not afraid to admit it.
I engage in several professional endeavors in a variety of industries and therein I willfully employ a great many individuals; people of every shape, size, and hue. I also hire Asians. Therefore, I would be an ideal addition to your seminar and would have much to contribute to your “frank, interactive discussion on the topic of Diversity and Your Business.” Did I mention that I hire Hispanics? I do, but I pay them in cereal. Boo Berry is their favorite.
Here is just a taste of what I can offer your event by way of lengthy public address: “Business is diverse. People are diverse. Business requires diverse people and people require diverse business. Diversity.”
My expert advice is not solely limited to the simple assemblage of empty buzz jargon that, while incredibly moving, is utterly vacant of any actual coherent meaning. I have hired Jews but almost always end up firing them shortly thereafter. I can also share with conference attendees the methods I have developed to execute precision diversity in my workplace and how it can be applied to any workplace. I hire Middle Eastern people, then report them to federal authorities for reasons I later fabricate. Over the years I have perfected a winning stratagem for hiring and positioning my workers in a manner that celebrates cultural diversity by blindly associating job skills and workplace responsibilities with stereotypes and xenophobic assumption.