Dear Victoria Snee,
Good day to you, good lady. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, champion yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, pastry chef, and vintage mitten collector.
I am pleased as punch – or should I say, pleased as egg nog - to see you once again teaming up with Starbucks for your Holiday Angels Toy Drive. It is in the truest sense of giving --- I’m sorry. I’m going to have to stop right here. I can’t go any further. I need to get something out of the way first. I’m sure you will understand.
Are you seriously married to FOX 4’s Jeff Crilley? Seriously? Now, I am quite aware that he is an Emmy award winning reporter because right there on his website it says in big bold letters, “Emmy award winning reporter.” I am sure he’s a lovely person and a real upstanding fellow. And don’t get me wrong, he’s not a bad looking gentleman. But, I mean, c’mon. Seriously.
I’m sorry. That was uncalled for and completely out of line. Who am I to question the love and attraction between two people, especially when it is a bond conjoining two local media personalities? Since when was I voted mayor of Compatibility City? Please forgive me and allow me to continue.
As I was saying, your annual Holiday Angels Toy Drive benefiting Cook Children’s Medical Center and Children’s Medical Center of Dallas is a wonderful endeavor that combines the --- Jeff Crilley? I mean, really. C’mon. Seriously. Again, I’m not suggesting that he’s an ugly man. Perhaps he’s a little on the toothy side, but by no means could he be considered downright physically repulsive. But, c’mon! Look at him. Now look at you. Now look at him again. Now look at you again. Do you see what I’m getting at? Don’t make me come out and say it. Please do not make me come out and say it.
I am truly sorry. That was very rude of me. I am embarrassed beyond reproach. I will try to get back on track here so I may address the --- Jeff Crilley? Really? Seriously? It’s just extremely difficult to fathom that a gentleman of his design is allowed to be acquainted with you in a Biblical manner. Excuse my frank description, but it is really and truly astonishing that an individual of such mediocre corporal makeup is permitted access to your various regions on a regular basis without some sort of bribe or fiscal compensation or a deep amount of pity on your part. Is it pity? It must be pity. Was he shamed or dishonored in front of you by, perhaps, a clan of evil kung fu masters or a street gang of some sort?
It is quite obvious that your charitable nature is a major driving force in your life and deed, as well as your choice of life partner and involvement with the Holiday Angels Toy Drive. Good show, my lady. Good show.