Thursday, December 20, 2007

On The Seventh Day He Wiped Off His Chin

Dear Institute for Creation Research,

Good day and God bless. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther, best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, substitute Sunday school teacher, and true believer in the proven science of creationism.

Congratulations on the recent approval of your request to teach creationism to science teachers. For far too long, educational systems have been constrained by bureaucratic pandering and political correctness that confine scientific teachings to a prospectus that has been thoroughly and scientifically confirmed or, at the very least, clearly defined as practically accepted theorem. I applaud the efforts of your organization as it seeks to pervert developing young minds with unverifiable beliefs rooted in religious faith masquerading as true science.

Might I suggest that you consider extending your curriculum to include other teachings based on works of imaginative literature and pass those off as scientific fact, as well? If the improvable assumption that our physical universe “was supernaturally created by a transcendent personal Creator who alone has existed from eternity” can become inarguable science simply because it is stated as such in the Bible, then why can’t it also be factually stated that without a shadow of a doubt “there once was a man from Nantucket whose dick was so long he could suck it,” as illustrated in the dirty limerick of the same name? In this scenario, it is avowed as actuality that his reproductive organ is of such self-suckable length. The only capricious element is the possibility that he could have intercourse with his ear if it were a vagina.

Yours in Christ,
Alibaster Abthernabther