Thursday, December 13, 2007

Jumping the Shark

Dear Cycle Stuff USA,

Greetings. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am writing to request construction of a custom racing suit.

The suit will need to be a one-piece jumper that is water resistant, fire retardant, flexible, and fashionable yet functional. Also, it will need ample pockets to accommodate my car keys, billfold, cellular telephone, monocle case, hip flasks, ankle flasks, and elbow flasks.

My season color analyst has determined that I am a summer, which you may know is the most delicate of the four color seasons. My racing suit would need to adhere to this tint scheme, perhaps using swaths of powder blue with dusty pink accents.

This will need to be a rush order, as I will require the racing suit for Christmas day. Also, I will need a matching multi-impact helmet emblazoned with a TCB lightening bolt.

Please let me know if this request can be met in the allotted time and I will have my tailor provide you with my specific measurements.

Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther

***

Dear Sewell Hummer of Dallas,

Hello. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am writing to request the construction of a custom Hummer H2 to be modified for a particular purpose.

The vehicle will need a 6.0L engine with a polished intercooled Vortech supercharger, triple quantum fever posts, Beru spark plugs, rescinded aluminum gap traps, Nology wires, and Gibson headers and exhaust. I will need the stock hardware removed and replaced with a 14-inch bulletproof suspension kit, dual 2.0 shocks with chrome-plated reservoirs, and solid gold billet clamps. Please install brand new Centerco 49” tires onto 17x14-inch Volcano Crusher wheels and bolt them with diamond tipped tugger stacks. The braking system will need to include Guttenberg reversible slot rotors, armored stutter pints, and Shrieking Eagle brake pads.

I would like the interior to be upholstered with baby ostrich leather and the seats filled with goose down. The exterior paneling will need to be reinforced to withstand extreme heat and rocket impacts. I will also need seventeen firing canisters capable of holding and releasing timed mortar charges mounted to each side of the vehicle.

Also, the vehicle will need to be altered significantly so that it will fit comfortably through a passageway that is approximately 10-feet wide.

I will need this ordered rushed so that the vehicle is available by Christmas day. Please let me know if this is possible and I will send my driver to retrieve the modified H2 no later than December 24th, Christmas Eve.

Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther

***

Dear North Texas Pyrotechnics Productions,

Salutations. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am writing to request a custom made close proximity pyrotechnic package.

I am in need of several short-range airborne explosives that can be affixed to and released from a moving vehicle’s exterior while being remotely triggered from within said vehicle. Also, I will need flash illumination and concussion rounds that will line an enclosed passage of approximately 40 feet in length.

I will need this pyrotechnic system designed and installed no later than December 24th to be used in a Christmas day event. Please let me know if this is possible and I will have my personal assistant Reggie Part Two follow up with more particulars.

Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther

***

Dear Ker’s WingHouse,

Good day. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am writing to request catering services from your fine hot wing establishment.

Your catered service will be part of an event scheduled to be held on Christmas day. I can’t even begin to fathom a more fitting feast for the season than genetically mutated chicken wing sections that are deep fried, slathered in a vinegar-based cayenne butter sauce, and served by a gaggle of walking eating disorders.

I would like to order 30 tubs of chicken and sausage gumbo, 30 tubs of clam chowder, a truckload of chili cheese fries, a truckload of Brew City onion rings, 1,000 buffalo chicken strips, 3,000 buffalo shrimp, 6,000 poppers, and 1,000 orders of your world famous Belt-Bustin’ Nachos.

I trust this order can be fulfilled without incident. Please inform me of the full charges and I will have my personal assistant Reggie Part Two provide you with a cashier’s check and delivery instructions.

Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther


***

Dear Great White,

Hello and happy holidays. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am writing to you to request your musical services for a Christmas day event that I am planning to take place in downtown Dallas.

I keep a web log that I am sure you are familiar with. There are many readers who rightfully believe that my wed log has “jumped the shark,” as it were. I would like to have your band perform in honor of their expert summation.

I should warn you that the event will feature an abundance of pyrotechnics and staged fireworks. I hope this will not be a distraction.

Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther

***

Dear Dallas World Aquarium,

Greetings. My name is Alibaster Abthernabther. I am writing to request the use of your facilities for an event to be held on Christmas day.

In tribute to the authoritative assessment that my web log has “jumped the shark,” I would like to drive a Hummer outfitted with pyrotechnic explosions through your shark tank tunnel. I have already made the appropriate arrangements to realize this spectacular vision and presume that your organization will be on board.

The event will be catered by the world famous Ker's WingHouse and musical entertainment will be provided by the hit 80's cock rock outfit, Great White.

I will, of course, cover all costs and expenditures personally. I thank you in advance for your cooperation and look forward to working with you on this project.

Yours,
Alibaster Abthernabther